The Life-Changing Power of Christian Fellowship, Friendship, and Support

Jan 26

In order to be healthy and well-balanced in our relationship with God, it's necessary to regularly apply basic spiritual standards:

Regular Bible study and reading
A disciplined prayer life
Regular fellowship
Using our spiritual gifts in helping others
Telling others what Christ means to us

This essay looks at one of these spiritual basics: the life-changing possibilities of Christian fellowship.

Consider the Apostles' Creed. Remember the part, "I believe in the communion of saints"? The "communion of saints" refers to the importance of Christian fellowship.

God thinks communing with one another is so important that He actually commands us to fellowship with one another. In Hebrews 10:25, God says that we "should not neglect to meet together as is the habit of some."

Unfortunately, over the centuries, the meaning of the word "fellowship" has become blurred in the minds of many believers. The word "fellowship" comes to us from the Greek word Koinonia, which means sharing things in common.

What sort of things should we share in common? At the very least, we should share common interests, such as hobbies, sports, and business information. But, fellowship involves much more than sharing mutual interests. True fellowship means that we share our thoughts and feelings, as well as discuss spiritual matters.

Charles Spurgeon, the renowned Baptist preacher, defined Christian fellowship as knowing and being known.

Unfortunately, many confuse socializing and fellowshipping.

Socializing simply means sharing at a superficial level with another person. It's not deep. For instance, a socializing conversation usually involves a safe topic, such as last week's football game, the weather, our golf game, or the best fertilizer for the lawn. Usually, there's little emotional content in socializing.

Two Christian couples that I know have bowled together once a month for fifteen years. They've spent hour after hour together. Yet, they've only socialized. Neither have they ever shared the problems they've had with their teenagers.

Two Christian men I know have golfed together each Thursday for years, but they merely socialize. They don't really fellowship. The last thing in the world they'd share is the heart trouble they've both experienced recently due to job stress.

There's a huge difference between socializing and fellowshipping!

Years ago, I took a chance with my closest friend. Bob and I were football teammates at the University of Pittsburgh. We'd been involved with Young Life in New York City, working with street gangs. We'd roomed together at the Gordon-Conwell Theological School in Boston, Massachusetts.

Midway through my first year at the Seminary, I was going through some rough times. I decided to risk rejection by letting Bob know more about me. I wanted to take the risk of moving from socializing to real fellowship.

One day I said, Bob, there are some things I've never told you about my background. I'm currently dealing with some personal struggles that I'm trying to work through. Then, I explained my feelings. Bob listened empathetically. Then, he shared some areas of his life where he, too, was grappling. It was the beginning of our relationship in a whole new dimension. We developed a deeper friendship that has sustained us both through the years in countless ways.

Getting together regularly with at least one Christian to share your common interests, problems, and spiritual matters is key to becoming a well-balanced, growing, effective Christian.

The problem is that many Christians barely socialize, let alone fellowship. While statistics fluctuate over time, the average Presbyterian church has only 38 percent of its membership worshipping together.

A church officer once said to me:

I've been a member of my church for almost ten years now, and I still feel like an outsider looking in. I don't feel that I belong. I don't think anyone cares about me. Talk about my problems with another member? You gotta be kidding; they'd change the conversation topic, and if they even tried to listen, they'd never understand.

A.B. Bruce, a prominent New Testament scholar, described the similarity between dining at a restaurant and attending Sunday worship:

All kinds of people meet for a short space of time, sit down together, and then part, neither knowing nor caring anything about each other.

How sad! The Church is in danger of becoming, as author Larry Richards explains, "A place where Christians live alone."

The tragedy is that in the secular world, there are places to go where everybody knows your name, as seen in the popular television series, Cheers.

Ernest Hemingway's short story, A Clean Well-Lighted Place, describes such a place: a city bar that's open around the clock. People of all different backgrounds flock to this bar, drawn to it like moths to a flame. Because they feel accepted by the bartender and by one another. Here is a safe place where they can share their problems without fear of judgment.

Somehow, Christians feel we've got to keep up with the Joneses, spiritually. We feel we've got to look like we have it all together!

The Church, according to the Bible, is intended to be a therapeutic community—a hospital for healing and helping, as well as a place for social interaction.

It is the only organization whose members, by definition, are unworthy of membership. You must publicly admit that you're a hypocrite to join!

Yet, often, we Christians go on pretending with each other that we're on top of things. Sadly, too many local churches do not provide the relationships and support that many desire and desperately need. Thus, many Christians reach out to the secular community for help.

Take a look at the numerous self-help groups across the country, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, and Parents Without Partners. They're good at helping folks to fellowship. They exist because they meet a felt need.

How tragic that the Church has so often failed to take the initiative in organizing these kinds of support groups. Christians often simply haven't felt free enough with one another to say, I've got a problem, can you help me— without being shunned, ostracized, or criticized. And heartbreakingly, too frequently, church members retreat into isolation or go outside the Church to secular support groups for aid.

Look at I Cor. 11:29–30. It's read at many communion services:

Anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment upon himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died.

Many of us come to the Lord's Supper without understanding that the bread and wine represent not only something profound but also Christ's body and blood: Christ's body refers, also, to the Church. His Body of people, who are also His arms, legs, and mouth, and can minister wholeness and support. Instead, we Christians often try to go it alone. And some of us grow weak and sick, or even die.

Men desperately need male friends!

The book, The Friendless American Male, and numerous studies agree that the majority of American men over the age of twenty-one do NOT have a male friend whom they can call if they have a problem at 3am.

Well-known Christian educator Dr. Howard Hendricks once said:

A man who does not meet regularly in a small group is an accident waiting to happen.

It's so easy to avoid sharing with one another. We have many "reasons" for not having close Christian friends: We're too busy; other men are too busy, too young, too old, too politically different, too spiritually immature, or other excuses.

Sometimes, we develop a spiritual inferiority complex:

I'm divorced. I'm too old. I'm not very familiar with the Bible, or I'm unsure how or embarrassed to pray out loud.

Lack of trust. Some of us have been hurt or betrayed by other Christians. Or, we become John Waynes of the Christian faith — self-sufficient islands. The truth is that there are no Lone Rangers in Christianity. We Christians need each other!

The Life-Transforming Benefits of Fellowshipping

There are numerous life-changing benefits to meeting regularly and sharing at a personal level with at least one other Christian friend.

The first benefit of fellowship and friendship for you: becoming a happier person. The New Testament teaches that there should be no division in Christ's body. The members ought to have mutual care for one another. The early Church of Jerusalem knew this, and people beat a path to their door, because they saw them love one another. This kind of caring, as Acts 2:46 observed that:

Every day they continued to meet together.

The second benefit of fellowship and friendship for you: gaining shared wisdom and practical help. Proverbs 24:6 states:

In a multitude of counselors, there is safety.

We can profit from the experiences of others in career choices, job problems, family struggles, health concerns, and other issues. It's essential to our well-being to learn from others who can give us feedback, advice, correction, and encouragement.

The third benefit of fellowship and friendship for you: You'll receive practical encouragement. A close friend can help us balance our lives in a way that we never can alone. Sometimes, we read the Scriptures inaccurately, misunderstanding their implications. Or, we carry into adulthood a negative attitude toward raising a child. Or, we neglect our spouses and children by becoming workaholics. Close friends can point out our harmful actions, correcting and rebuking us in love.

Catch Eliphaz's words to his suffering friend, Job:

You have strengthened feeble hands. Your words have supported those who stumbled; You have strengthened faltering knees. (Job 4:3,4)

A paraphrased translation of this text says:

Your words have kept strong men on their feet.

California Redwood Trees Demonstrate the Value of Authentic Fellowship

For a takeaway picture of the life-altering benefits of fellowship, picture a cluster of California redwood trees. These giant trees grow over a hundred feet high. Yet, their roots only reach down six to twelve feet in the ground!

Nevertheless, these massive trees are strong and rarely get blown over in storms, even with such shallow roots. Why don't they fall over?

Because every tree's roots interlock with the roots from other trees! Together, they are strong!

Please remind yourself, often, that:

Fellowship is not an option; it's a requirement. We're commanded to, not forsake the assembling together of ourselves as is the habit of some. (Hebrews 10:25)
Fellowship doesn't happen automatically. It's not a gift that God automatically deposits into our spiritual bank account. True fellowship and sharing require self-initiative, commitment, and work. We must take concrete steps to initiate getting together with others.

How Do You Get Started to Develop Some Intimate Friendships?

First, pray about it. Tell the Lord you're scared of rejection (He knows anyway) and confess that you don't know who to get involved with or to what extent. Ask Him to show you.

As you experiment in cultivating a few close Christian friendships, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

In what ways are some of my personal contacts superficial, meager, or unrewarding?
From whom do I receive emotional support, and to whom do I give it?
Do I avoid seeking support from others for fear of appearing weak?

Second, contact someone. Call them on the phone. Invite them for coffee, iced tea, or lunch.
Third, cultivate some key relationships. You've got to work at keeping up a friendship. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder; it makes the heart grow cooler. Friendship, like all relationships, must be deliberately cultivated. There is no substitute for in-person meetings, phone calls, texts, email, and notes.

Years ago, Evangelist Dwight Moody was preaching at a crusade in Chicago. One wealthy businessman who'd committed his life to Christ as a result of Moody's message invited Moody to his lovely Chicago home after the Crusade.

It was a cold evening. They sat there in the living room next to the fireplace. The fire was blazing; the logs flamed orange, yellow, and red. Moody said to his new friend, "Well, sir, now that you've found Christ, I suppose you're going to get actively involved in a church."

The man hadn't been a church member. The man replied, "Not me, I'm a leader in this community. I can worship God under a palm tree. I don't need other Christians. I have the Lord."

Then, Moody got up without saying a word, walked to the fireplace, and pulled the grating away. He grabbed a pair of tongs and plucked up one little white hot coal. He set it down on the brick area in front of the fireplace.

He whispered, "Watch this." The ember started to smoke. Three minutes later, it changed colors. Ten minutes later, Moody picked it up in his hands, saying, "Do you get the message? That'll happen to you. The fire of your spiritual vitality will grow cold if you isolate yourself from other Christians!"

How About You, Christian Friend?

Are you plugged in to at least one other Christian with whom you fellowship regularly? I hope you will consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another all the more as you see the day of Christ's return coming closer. (Hebrews 10:24,25)

Discussion

With whom can you start meeting weekly to cultivate a strong friendship?
What are your plans to accomplish this?

PS—For a Closer View of Churches and Fellowship, Please View This Brief Essay: Church Fellowship Time?

(First written in 1997 by Dr. Jim Stout)

Following his benediction at the end of the worship service, the minister added,

Now, I invite you to join us in the Fellowship Hall for coffee, donuts, and fellowship.

About a hundred adults and another fifty teenagers took his suggestion and filed into the nearby building.

Twenty clusters of two or three couples each, some forty individuals, and a tangle of youths shuffled towards the wide-open doors of the Fellowship Hall. Strangely, it was a silent parade except for the joviality of some junior and senior high schoolers and the muffled dialogues of a few couples. I trudged alone, looking for someone with whom I could talk, never being able to catch anyone's attention.

A dozen feet from the door, I smelled the wafting aromas of brewed coffee and donuts. A few people bunched just outside the doors. As I entered the Fellowship Hall, I noticed a half dozen framed pictures of Jesus, the disciples, and other religious scenes hanging on the walls. The elongated hall was filled with long wooden tables and plastic chairs. Fifteen youths clogged the donut table, gawking, giggling, and picking their favorites. A few adults steered through the traffic jam and collected warm pastries and hot coffee.

I grabbed a glazed donut and a cup of lukewarm lemonade and stood watching the "fellowship" taking place. Over half the people stood, eating and sipping. Most of them are in pairs or small groups of three or four. The remainder sat at the long wooden tables. Strangely, despite the considerable "noise", no one seemed to be attempting to greet anyone else. It was like a room full of amusement park bumper cars. Some clumped together, others bumped into one another for brief contact. Many are content to remain alone and aloof from others.

Whenever someone greeted another person, the conversation seldom went beyond

Hi! My name's Chuck Jones. What's yours? Oh, my name's Bill Smith. Good to meet you. Bill. Hope you'll come back to our church again. Got to go now. Catch you later.

The scene reminded me of Pastor-author Bruce Larson's words,

We Christians rarely ever meet. We simply bump masks.

Although I'd been worshiping at this church for a year and a half, I still felt like an outsider. Dutifully, each Sunday, an usher offered me a bulletin and greeted me with a sincere "Good morning."

Yet, only five or six of the previous 75 Sundays had anyone else come up to me, introduce themselves, and say,

Glad you're here.

Only twice in one and a half years did anyone ever ask me a single question about myself or try to engage me in any dialogue beyond a cursory greeting. But I kept coming back because I liked the sermons and music.

I consider myself a friendly, outgoing person. Yet, this church, like so many others I've attended, was made up of people who were, for all practical purposes, strangers to each other. Most seemed reluctant to reach out to anyone beyond their comfort zone of acquaintances. Often, there seemed to be discomfort in engaging each other, let alone strangers, in any meaningful way. Even when contact was made, it seldom went beyond surface words.

I pondered,

This spiritual stuff is all about a relationship between God and me, anyway. Other people shouldn't matter. But why do I feel left out, like I don't belong here? Maybe there's something wrong with me.

I worry and start feeling sorry for myself. And unbearably lonely. And sad. I began thinking,

There must be more to Christianity. I know the Bible records the comments by those observing some of the early Christians, "See how those Christians love one another." This group of believers barely shows more than common social civility. The same kind you'd expect at a baseball game, supermarket, or little league outing. "What's the difference here?"

The famous Baptist preacher Charles Spurgeon defined "fellowship" as " Knowing and being known." Over some thirty-nine years of following Christ, I've observed a tragic lack in the Christian Church: genuine fellowship.

Pastor-writer Bruce Larson lamented that most Christians only pay lip service. It's not safe to be honest with your feelings, failures, and struggles with most Christians. They'll reject you, abandon you, guilt-trip you with cliches, or gossip about you.

The result? Out of their desperate need for acceptance, love, and encouragement, many Christians have either left their churches or gone "underground" to "secular" self-help groups. Organizations like Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and Workaholics Anonymous have exploded exponentially, filling the huge vacuum of unmet needs left by organized churches. Twelve-Step Groups offer unconditional acceptance, a place to be listened to, encouragement during struggles and failures, and the assurance of confidentiality — the sadly missing ingredients in many congregations.

I, like so many others, yearn for a church like Ernest Hemingway's all-night diner described in his short story, A Clean, Well-lighted Place. It was a place where everyone was welcomed and cared about. Persons with any sort of problem could come to the diner, order a simple meal, and find a listening, non-judgmental ear. In essence,

Cared for people, care for people.

For decades, every major denomination in America has been experiencing rapid membership decline. The only hope, I believe, for the Christian Church's survival in America is an outbreak of biblically-based small groups patterned after twelve-step groups. This is where genuine fellowship can begin, not the usual shallow socializing that often occurs during what is often referred to as Fellowship Time.

Former Chaplain of the US Senate, Richard Halverson, noted,

Evangelism grows out of the context of fellowship.

I absolutely agree.

Good theology isn't enough to increase membership. Beautiful church buildings haven't cut it. Dynamic preaching, however biblical, hasn't made a significant impact. Great musical programs haven't done it. Big mission budgets have hardly helped meet the painful needs of others.

Both clergy and laity will benefit if they begin to risk vulnerability by starting, joining, or strengthening "clean, well-lighted places" in small groups within their churches. The Bible has much to say about authentic fellowship, as seen in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, James 5:16, and Hebrews 10:24-25.

Anyone can be a Monday morning quarterback and complain about local church problems. Perhaps the best way to start repairing congregational soft spots is by asking ourselves: What have I done about this growing problem of pseudo-fellowship?

As a retired pastor, I'm trying to make a difference in my own small ways. I realize I'm still exploring this thing called fellowship. I've been taking a risk by exposing both my struggles and successes to others. For my own needs, I meet with several twelve-step groups each week and have started and led several others.

Even if you're a newcomer to a church and want to try out a small support group, ask the pastor if any small groups are going on in the church. If there are, ask if there are any openings for newbies. If there are no small groups in the church, ask if you could start one. The internet has a wealth of information on various small group agendas.

Will you join me and others in launching this Fellowship Revolution? If you'd like to make a big difference in your life and others' lives, here are some suggestions on six practical steps you can take in the weeks ahead:

Make a habit of stepping out of your comfort zone by greeting folks you don't already know. Each week, before or after a worship service or activity, greet and chat with one person you don't know. Small talk is better than no talk. Start with general, non-threatening questions, such as, 'Glad you're here today.' What interests you in this church or activity?
Encourage your pastor and fellow church members to use the appropriate phrase: Fellowship or Socializing.
Read the Bible verses mentioned in this essay.
Read Alcoholics Anonymous's Big Book, titled Alcoholics Anonymous.
Attend three or four AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), Overeater Anonymous, or other Twelve Step meetings; and
Start your own small group meeting— or begin attending an existing one that will meet your own needs.

God bless you as you experiment with your new forms of fellowship.

On the journey with you,

Jim

Jim Stout