Your Family Can Have a New Start
Bible background: Proverbs 22:6
By Dr. Jim Stout
Traditionally, the family's been called the "shock absorber" of society – you know, a man's home is his castle! No matter how hard the pressures of the outside world … you can always return home … "to get away from it all."
But if we're brutally honest, that's not the case for lots of homes. Many "homes" are "echo chambers" that only intensify the tensions and pressures of the outside world.
I have to agree with what Miami Herald reporter Janet Chasmir wrote in an article years ago: "It's gotten so that I hesitate to ask about the children. I hesitate with friends because it will only open up wounds. And with strangers because it so often ends up that I'm treading on their painful and embarrassing ground."
John Paul Sartre says, "hell is other people."
Frankly, for many young people and parents, "hell" is home.
I worked with teenagers and children for over ten years: in New York City's ghettos, in the affluence of Key Biscayne, Florida, and in other suburban areas of the country.
I've worked with teenage groups in New York City, coaching football, wrestling, and boxing. For more than forty years, I've counseled hundreds of parents and families. At least 60% of all of the youth I've dealt with came from broken or unhappy homes, where mom and dad are separated, or simply stalemated in a marriage that existed "just for the sake of the kids."
I've got to admit I don't have all the answers. So what I'm sharing with you is based on three things:
First, my observations and experiences with the young people and families I've counseled,
Second, principles from The Bible— specific principles He gives you and me to guide our families, and
Third, on the wisdom and insights of Christian family counselors, far wiser than I.
The Bible states:
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)
How do you "train up a child in the way he shall go" so that when he is old, he will not depart from it? How do you produce a genuinely happy home? With well-balanced, productive children?
Charlie Shedd. A seasoned marriage and family counselor, noted author, and Presbyterian minister. Charlie's written several Christian best-sellers. One of his best: Promises to Peter, sold over a million copies. A tremendous book on family communication. Excellent for parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. This message draws heavily on insights from his books.
I've always been impressed by what Charlie wrote in the Prologue of Promises to Peter. He said he had one terrific sermon about the Christian Family. Charlie said wherever he gave this favorite "family message," the people "flocked in droves to hear it!" The title of his sermon: "How to Raise Your Children."
Then he had his first child! After a few two a.m. feedings, he changed the title of his message to: "Some Suggestions to Parents."
Then he had two more children. Again, he changed the title: "Feeble Hints to Fellow Strugglers!"
As his children got older and he added a few more to his family, he decided to give up preaching sermons and hold seminars. The title of his seminars: "Anyone Got a Few Words of Wisdom?"
I feel a bit like Charlie! Nearly 54 years since I first preached this message, Leah and I now have 2 grown, married sons and 5 energetic grandchildren. I'm going to ask you several questions, then make some suggestions. If you experiment with these questions and suggestions, and apply them to your own family, I guarantee they'll work. How do I know? Three reasons:
Because they're based on Biblical principles,
Because they're based on the experience of many veteran family counselors, and
Because everyone I've spoken with who's plugged these into his or her family says they work!
Let's dig in.
I. Maintain a Loving Relationship with Your Partner
Do you have a loving relationship with your marriage partner?
Almost all the problems I've dealt with relating to kids: drugs, runaways, sex – stem from one basic factor – an unhappy home. Discord between mom and dad.
Numerous studies reveal that ninety-five percent of all juvenile offenders come from broken or unhappy homes. I'd have to agree that most of the young people I've met who've had problems come from unhappy homes.
Listen to this letter from an eleven-year-old boy writing Charlie Shedd:
My mother keeps a cookie jar in the kitchen, and we can help ourselves, except we can't if it's too close to dinnertime. Only my dad can anytime. When he comes home from the office, he helps himself, no matter if it's just before we eat. He always slaps my mother on the behind and brags about how great she is, and how good she can cook. Then she turns around, and they hug. The way they do it, you would think they just got married or something. Makes me feel good. This is what I like best about my house.
The best thing you can give your kids is a loving relationship with your husband or wife. Listen to this statement from one of Shedd's children:
When I was younger, I didn't realize why taking my mom out to eat alone made me feel so good. But it was like one of the many reassuring signs of love between you two. I can remember the jolt I felt the first time I heard you say you loved each other more than any of us kids. I can also remember thinking that out and realizing how fortunate I am; after all, we are only the products of your love. So seeing it expressed was bound to make us all the more secure.
The greatest gift that you can give your children is to love your partner!
How can I do it better?
Charlie Shedd recommends that moms and dads take 15 minutes every day to be alone together. Not to talk about bills or children. Just simply to share your feelings – the highs, the lows; the ups, the downs of the day.
Do you have a loving relationship with your partner?
II. Willing to Make Sacrifices for Children's Good
Are you willing to make any sacrifice necessary for the good of your children?
This question involves decisions that will affect you in three ways:
A. Economic Sacrifices
Are you willing to make any necessary changes in your economic style of living, if it's good for the good of your kids? Just before Christmas, I was talking with an acquaintance. My friend Bill works twelve to sixteen hours a day, six days a week; week in and week out. I said, "Bill, how do you do it? How do you keep up that hectic work pace?" He said, "Jim, I'm pushing for the time when I can secure my kids' college education. I want to give them some of the things I never had. Besides, I want this year to be a real Christmas at our home!" I find it hard to believe that all the bicycles, games, and toys under the tree will in any way compensate for Dad being away from home so much!
My experience with young people bears this out to a "T".
Many wives work. Sometimes out of necessity. But sometimes simply for the "extras". Is it worth it?
A good friend of mine, Mal Tottingham, was an executive for the Westinghouse Corporation in New England. He had two teenage sons. In their teens, he was offered a tremendous promotion. Financially, it would have made him very secure. The catch? He had to move to New York City. But he turned it down.
Why? Because his two teenagers had friends who were a very good influence on them. They belonged to a fine church. He was afraid of uprooting the family and losing all the "positives" for his family. So he rejected the "chance of a lifetime." It took a lot of courage.
Are you willing, if it's for the good of your family, to live at a lower economic level?
B. Sacrifice Your Personal Time
Are you willing to spend time getting to know your family?
What do I mean? I talk to many parents who say, "Jim, I don't really know my wife." If parents don't know each other, how can a family know each other? Parenthood involves more than simply creating children and giving them three meals a day. How do you get to know your children? Spend time with them.
Charlie Shedd suggests that we fathers take each of our children out on a date with us once a month. I started "dating" our sons when they were two years old. It's amazing how much you can learn from a conversation with a child. Maybe you'll go to Burger King or McDonald's. But they'll love it! And you'll get to know your children. Every man I've talked with who's tried this has glowed with the results!
C. Sacrifice Your Time to "Build Up" Your Children
Are you willing to spend time building your child's self-image? Most kids I know who've had problems have a poor self-image.
One such person with a crippled self-esteem was Dan. He lives in Miami. He's been in and out of the Miami Youth Detention Hall numerous times. Why? Because at home, he was always "put down." "Dan, you'll never amount to anything … you're not a student." When he got interested in athletics, his folks would say, "Dan, you're not an athlete." The result? He's got a poor self-image … and today, he's just drifting from job to job … and in and out of jails.
This is something I'll have to face as a parent. If little Jimmy Jr. likes the violin, I'm going to have a real struggle spending time encouraging him and listening to the violin! Building him up in his areas of interest.
Are you willing to make sacrifices for your children if it's for their good? Are you open to rearranging your schedule to have more personal time with them?
III. Are You Providing Consistent Discipline for Your Children?
The greatest frustration I faced in ten years of youth work was young people's lack of respect for adults, especially their parents.
Ask any teacher, any coach: "What's the biggest problem you have with your kids?" The most common answer: "Discipline!"
A number of years ago, Michigan State University did a nationwide survey of high school seniors: "What's the thing you'd like to see from your mom and dad?" Overwhelming response: "More discipline!"
Catch these words from a 14-year-old high school girl who'd been given too much freedom by her parents:
My problem is one you probably don't hear much about. My mother is a champion golfer and she is at the club every afternoon when I come home from school. On weekends they party and sometimes I worry about it that they drink so much, especially lately. But what really bothers me is how they let me do almost anything I want to. They never tell me when to come in and I can go anywhere anytime. You might think how lucky she is. But I tell you that is not how I feel about it. What bothers me is I wonder if I'm all that ready to decide everything by myself.
Your kids need boundaries … limits. They need guidelines. Even through college years.
They need guidance selecting friends. They need to be told the types of parties they may or may not attend.
When your child's invited to go to someone else's home – do you call the parents to check out details? Do you even know the parents? You'd be shocked to know what goes on at some of the parties, rock concerts and weekends! You'd be amazed to find what goes on when some of you parents go away for the weekend and leave your teenagers to fend for themselves!
Kids need guidance!
Girls need to be shown what to wear. Mini-skirts, bra-less, tight shirts are in vogue today. Frankly, part of this problem lies with mothers. How? Because of what they wear! Like mother, like daughter. Part of the problem is also caused by mothers undermining dad's decisions. Daughter comes and says, "May I buy this tight, tight blouse?" Mom often says, "Fine". Dad says "No", and moms undermine dads. Father knows full well what goes on in boys' minds. He works in an office all day long. Support your husbands' advice, wives!
The biggest blame for poorly disciplined children lies with we men. The fault is with us, men. Why? Because either we work such long hours that the few times we are at home we feel guilty when we have to lay down the law! We don't want to seem like mean tyrants. So we ease up.
Some of us men have abdicated our responsibilities. We've simply let our wives make all of the decisions and administer all the discipline.
Some of us simply don't know what God says our responsibilities are as fathers.
What does God say? He says that we husbands are to be the head of the house, not our wives. When we are at home the ground rules and discipline are to be enforced by us not our wives.
You say, "How should we handle all the grey areas of discipline?"
Dr. Henry Brandt, a noted Christian psychologist, has said that the manner of discipline doesn't matter … just make sure you and your wife agree on it! Just concentrate on agreeing on rules and discipline. You say, "What if my junior higher refuses to turn off the TV and go to bed?" What should we do? Brandt says, "Any way you can get him to the bedroom is legal!!!"
What does the Bible have to say about discipline?
Catch these statements: "Foolishness is bound up on the heart of a child but the rod of reproof shall drive it far from him … He that spareth his rod hateth his son, but he that loveth him chastenth him many times … Do not withhold discipline from a cheek. If you beat him with a rod he will not die."
Some of you reading this message will make some great resolves. Let me make some suggestions as you begin to "tighten" up your discipline at home.
Expect resistance!
When confronted with limits or rules … most kids follow a predictable pattern of resistance.
This first line of defense is an "offensive maneuver" by your youngster. Either it's throwing a temper tantrum, or it's the "apple polish trick". Or it's the silent treatment. When you try to enforce discipline, these are the first "lines" your kids will use.
If these don't work, the second "line" is an argument: "but so and so doesn't do it." No matter what rule you try to enforce, your kids will always be able to out-argue you … every time! They'll probably have three good reasons for every one of yours! You'll never win. Never. Kids always have "better" arguments than moms and dads.
Then there comes the last stage: Resistance – the "name-calling" or "threat" state – "some Christian you are … I'm never going to church again … when I get to be a parent, I'm not going to have a family like this …"
Don't concentrate on a popularity contest with your kids. Expect friction! Don't worry about pleasing them. You'll never win!! Just concentrate on agreeing with your partner. Present a unified front. It will amaze you to see 10 or 15 years from now how much smarter you've grown in their eyes!
Don't be afraid of what your neighbors will think. You'd better face a hard fact. If you take seriously the Bible's guidelines in your own life and in raising your family, you're going to be in the minority. You'll be swimming upstream. Many of the people around you will not discipline their kids or handle them like you do. They'll have later curfews, more lenient punishments, etc.
Are you providing consistent discipline for your kids?
IV. Provide Happy Memories for Children
Are you providing positive, happy memories for your family?
I've always been deeply warmed by one statement Charlie Shedd made. He said, "Parents are in the memory-building business." That's beautiful! How do you spend your holidays? Thanksgiving? Christmas? Easter? Birthdays? How about meal times? Are they enjoyable moments? Or verbal battlefields? Every family has some friction. But generally, what kinds of memories will your children look back on ten years from now?
V. Is Jesus Christ a Genuine Influence in Your Life?
Is Jesus Christ a genuine influence in your home? Or is He "a Belief?"
Kids are very perceptive. They know if your faith is real … if you honestly love and depend on Jesus Christ. Or is "Jesus Christ" is simply a "belief".
Let's face it. What do you do when you've blown it with your kids? When you've failed? Where do you go when you've run out of your own ideas? Where do you go for guidelines? I believe Jesus Christ Himself is the only place to start! Only He will provide you with the wisdom, strength, and practical guidance you'll need to be a successful parent.
No matter how old your kids are … no matter how many mistakes you've made, He wants to forgive you. He wants to give you and your family a new start!
Some parents say, "I'm not going to cram religion down my kid's throat." If you take this attitude, you'll be sorry. Because your kids will fall by default to a truck-load of negative influences. I dare you to really listen to some of the programs on your television set. Pick out the sexual innuendos – the violence. I dare you to go to a PG or R-rated movie, or walk up to the nearest 7-Eleven and look at the magazine rack. Tragically, these are mild examples of what's available on the internet. If you don't exert a positive influence on your kids, others will influence them negatively!
Bring your youngsters to church with you. They may be so young they can't understand worship. But one thing they will pick up: Christ is real … and He means something to mom and dad. If they get nothing else out of the message, they'll get that.
Maybe you're saying, "Well, it's the church's business to teach religion to my kids. It's the job of the Sunday school and Youth Group." No, it's not! What your children get at church should only supplement what they get primarily at home.
Catch what God's Word says about the responsibilities of parents:
And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise … only take heed, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life; make them known to your children and to your children's children.
If you're not a knowledgeable Christian, there are many good Christian books you can get for your youngsters. Even Christian-oriented comic books. If your kids are older, you can discuss Sunday's sermons. You can pray with your children and for them.
But God can never become more than a "religious word" to your family if He's not REAL in your life. Maybe you have never personally surrendered the control of your life to Jesus Christ. Maybe you're clutching desperately to your kids, trying frantically to protect them. Maybe you've never really released yourself … and them … to Christ. If not, today can be a new start for you and your family, spiritually. Why not invite Christ to come into your life and be Lord of your life … and your family? To forgive your past. To give you eternal life.
You say, "How do I do it?"
Say a simple prayer like this:
Dear God, I'm sorry for my sins. I need your help to be a better husband/wife/parent. Thank you for sending your Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for my sins. Lord Jesus Christ, please come into my life and remake me. I want you to be the Lord and Master of my life. Amen.
How can you have a happy home and balance children?
Let's review:
Have a loving relationship with your partner.
Be willing to make any sacrifice necessary for the good of your children.
Provide consistent discipline for your family.
Provide positive, happy memories for your family.
Let Jesus Christ be a genuine influence in your own life and the results will overflow into your home.
"Train up a child in the way he shall go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
Your family can have a new start. You can do it. It's up to you!
On the journey with you,
Jim