Overcoming Shattered Expectations and Other Losses
IN 2016, I WAS IN A BAD CAR ACCIDENT that could have killed me; a teenage girl T-boned my Honda minivan on my driver's side, totaling my vehicle. I received a severe concussion and injuries to my neck, back, shoulders, and hips.
For most of the next two years, I saw a variety of doctors for possible hip, back, and shoulder surgeries. In addition, I met with an acupuncturist and a psychologist for pain management and PTSD, and had two years of ongoing sessions of physical therapy.
Due to the van wreck, my hopes of resuming regular exercise, long walks, swimming, and sleeping in a bed have evaporated.
Despite repeated attempts to pick up where I left off, I couldn't return to those previous activities. For nearly two years, I tried to resume life as before the accident. Often, I felt frustrated, discouraged, defeated, short-tempered, and self-pitying.
Unfortunately, indulging in those natural responses kept me stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels and going nowhere. What to do?
- Stew over my shattered prospects;
- Feel sorry for myself day after day;
- Stay depressed and isolated;
- Remain resentful, angry, and bitter;
- Give up;
- Modify my unmet hopes; or
- Acquire new dreams.
I concluded it was critical to admit to myself the terribleness of my losses and my self-defeating reactions. Then, after mourning my losses, I had to adjust my wishes, modify them, or develop new ones.
Following my accident, I had to deal with the pain of sleeping on my back and side and the ongoing discouragement of unattainable expectations. A pain-free life and resuming prior sports activities were no longer possible, and the crash forced me to alter or invent new goals for my life.
So, instead of sleeping in my queen-sized bed with my wife, I bought a special zero-gravity medical chair, which I still sleep in our family room.
Since walks of five or six miles were no longer possible because of the hip pain, I had to settle for a revised hope: short walks of up to one, two, or three miles.
Because swimming was wiped out— due to my shoulder and knee problems, I substituted a new exercise: YMCA swimming pool walking. But that plan, too, was wrecked when pool germs caused me to be hospitalized for the re-emergence of badly infected Cellulitis that I had gotten from a recumbent bike crash a few years earlier.
Micah Herndon, a US Marine vet, ran the Boston Marathon in 2019 to honor his three fallen comrades and to qualify for the upcoming New York City Marathon. To qualify, participants had to have run a previous marathon in under three hours and thirteen minutes.
About 4.2 miles before the end of the race, both his legs cramped and seized up. He dragged himself at a slow, power-walk pace to achieve his Boston Marathon dream. But with about 100 yards to go, he could no longer move his locked-up legs.
So he crawled on his belly, hands, and knees to cross the finish line in 3 hours and 38 minutes. This is not enough time to be eligible for the New York run, but just finishing the race as he did has resulted in great honor for his soldier friends.
Micah's arduous preparations and hoped-for dream of running the marathon in under three hours and 13 minutes had been shattered.
When his goal became impossible due to his injuries, he could have quit right then on the Boston Marathon pavement. But he changed hopes—instead of dropping out of the epic endurance event because he could no longer run the full race, he slowly inched on his knees the last 100 yards.
The next day, Micah was interviewed on TV's Today show. Asked how he gutted out the final 100 yards on his knees, he simply said:
"It was the longest 4.2 miles I've ever run in my life, but I'm a Marine, and our slogan is: "Adapt and Survive!"
It wasn't easy for Micah, me, or others who've overcome our damaged or destroyed hopes. Some of us have had to rework, change, drop, or create new hopes.
For me, it usually felt like I was taking second best. Yet what else could I do?
What else can you do about your disappeared dreams? Most likely, you'll have to make a new hope substitution. It won't be stress-free, uncomplicated, or painless, but the rewards will be worth your effort.
I adjusted my hopes by inventing new expectations or re-formulating old ones.
Although things will never be the same as before, my new hopes, goals, and plans are making me happy, fulfilled, and challenged. I wish the same for you, dear fellow-struggler.
I sincerely desire that God will enable you to either hold onto your unmet hopes or adapt to the new reality that your previous goals will never come back, and that you can alter, accept, or discover new aspirations to find refreshing fulfillment.
Gratefully shared,
Jim
Quotes to Ponder
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. —C. S. Lewis
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting. ―E.E. Cummings
Live every day as if it's your last. And someday, you'll be right! —Muhammad Ali
Don't measure how valuable you are by the way you are treated," said the horse. "Always remember you matter, you're important, and you are loved, and you bring this world things no one else can. —Charlie Mackesy
Life is a series of adjustments; you can make changes along the way, but if you don't start moving forward, you'll never get anywhere. —Kimora Lee Simmons
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. —Edmund Burke
It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up! —NFL Coach Vince Lombardi
Every victory counts!— Davis Phinney
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.—The Apostle Paul to Timothy (2 Timothy 4:7)