How To Be A Friend In Ways That Will Benefit You And Others

Introduction

A number of years ago, a two-year survey of American adults by the University of Chicago and the YMCA revealed the top interests of adult Americans:

The #1 adult interest is health;

The #2 adult interest is friendships and relationships: how to understand and get along with others, make them like you, and persuade others to your way of thinking.

The Problem

Relationship issues often result in health and performance problems. Several years ago, Dr. Walter Menninger of the famous Menninger Foundation-Clinic stated:

When people are discharged (fired) in industry, 60-80% of the failures are due to social incompetence (poor people skills), and only 20-40% are (fired) for technical incompetence.

Despite any outward successes, many adults and youth are socially inept and have few, if any, close friends. This is especially true for those who grew up in a dysfunctional home and those who are males.

For instance, the book The Friendless American Male describes the shocking lack of male friendships. Regrettably, more than 100 studies back up the findings of this book and reveal that the vast majority of American men do not have a single close friend whom they can call at two a.m. to get help for a problem.

Numerous people have developed failed relationships or destructive relationship patterns that are repeated over and over. Countless men, women, and youth often are successful in other areas of their lives, yet they live out their lives in silent loneliness, even though people may surround them.

The Causes Of Barriers To Making And Keeping Friendships

• Ignorance: Many people do not know how to start and maintain a good friendship. They've never seen friendship-making modeled at home or elsewhere or have not been taught the basics of making and keeping friends.
• Friendships are not a priority because work, family, and leisure take up all available time,
• Growing up in a dysfunctional home with unhealthy parent-child or sibling relationships,
• Having a poor self-image due to verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse,
• Fear of judgment by others due to living with a mental illness themselves or having a loved one enduring depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, ongoing anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, or others,
• Fear of rejection. For some, sharing their inner selves might result in harsh nonacceptance. To them, loneliness is preferred to rejection of any sort.
• Unfair treatment from others (teachers, coaches, classmates, co-workers, neighbors, clergy, church members, and others). For example, some social gatherings or church meetings are toxic and harmful. The spiritual leader and Apostle Paul cautions:

Sometimes, your meetings do you more harm than good. —1 Corinthians 11:17

These and other obstacles cause social isolation and inhibit healthy socialization with others.

The Solution To Being A Friend In Ways That Will Change Your Life And Others

Hopefully, this discussion on how to make and keep friends will enhance your life and make you a better friend, spouse, parent, employee, or boss.

Check the Bible's advice on friendships:

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.— Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.—Hebrews 10: 24, 25

Bruce Larson's words, "We Christians rarely ever meet. We bump masks."

I consider myself a friendly person. Yet, so many churches I've attended were made up of people who were, for all practical purposes, strangers to each other. Most seemed reluctant to reach out to anyone beyond their comfort zone of acquaintances. Often, there seemed to be discomfort in engaging each other, let alone strangers, in any meaningful way. Even when contact was made, it seldom went beyond surface words.

The great Baptist preacher Charles Spurgeon defined "fellowship" as " Knowing and being known." Over some thirty-nine years of following Christ, I've observed a tragic lack in the Christian Church: genuine "fellowship." As Larson said, most Christians only bump masks. It's not safe, to be honest with your feelings, failures and struggles with most Christians. They'll reject, abandon, guilt-trip you with cliches, or gossip about you.

Like so many others, I yearn for a church like Ernest Hemingway's all-night diner described in his short story, "A Clean, Well-lighted Place." It was a place where everyone was welcomed and cared about. Persons with any sort of problem could come to the diner, order a simple meal, and find a listening, nonjudgmental ear.

A popular quote states:

If you have even one close friend in life, you are blessed.—Author anonymous

The rewards of close friendships are plentiful: companionship, encouragement, practical help, guidance in decisions, and other advantages.

Alfred Montapert described a friend as:

A person who likes you for what you are, in spite of all your faults and shortcomings.

Dr. Howard Hendricks noted, "A person not meeting regularly in a small group is an accident waiting to happen." It's not a question of 'if' but 'when' the crash will occur.

A Twelve Step group slogan is:

Stay close. Your recovery depends on it!

For instance, lions and leopards in Africa watch for a gazelle or antelope to fall behind or separate itself from the herd. That animal is doomed to become lunch! Likewise, loners always suffer— health-wise and happiness-wise.

An inspiring example of the value of empathetic peers is a woman named Kate. She formed one of the first mental illness support groups in America. After completing college with a degree in nutrition, working a brief career as a county extension agent, marrying, and having five children, Kate spent eight years of her life from age 37 to 45 in a state mental institution—diagnosed with "severe and incurable bipolar disorder."

The conditions at the mental hospital were deplorable, and no one was expected to get well. It was little more than a holding tank, a place where people managed, not helped to recover. But Kate defied the odds.

While hospitalized, Kate received encouragement from a volunteer and a hospital staff member who listened to her talk for hours. No one had done that before.

After eight years of severe, recurring psychotic episodes, Kate's condition improved dramatically. And she stayed well until her death from a stroke at the age of 82.

Not only did she receive caring reassurance, she also gave support to others. While she was still hospitalized, Kate started a Mental Health Fellowship, which may have been the first mental illness peer support group started by a patient.

When she left the hospital and began rebuilding her life, Kate went out of her way to connect with people in the community, countering stigma. She kept in touch with people by dropping off freshly baked bread, running errands, or sending cards.

No one will ever know whether she intentionally developed her peer support group, but she certainly revolutionized recovery methods for mentally ill people. After her hospital discharge, Kate continued reaching out to fellow strugglers for her own well-being whenever she desperately needed it. She also made it a priority to encourage others when she could.

This is the essence of mutual support and friendship.

On her journey, Kate sowed the seeds of what would become WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan), a short mini-book that has helped thousands of people worldwide.

In 1963, Dale Carnegie spent several years and thousands of dollars studying relationships and what makes these significant people so successful. He interviewed famous leaders worldwide—representatives of different vocations: politicians, businessmen, medicine, education, and scores of other thriving, effective individuals.

The result? He wrote his worldwide popular book, How to Win Friends & Influence People. Many experts consider it the best book for businesspeople available. I believe it is more valuable than books by world-renowned management guru Peter Drucker's books.

It was an overnight success! His book remained on the New York Times Best Seller List for ten years. How to Win Friends & Influence People has sold over 30 million copies in dozens of languages. Probably 90% of US cities have courses & nearly 75 cities and numerous cities abroad.

Suggested Guidelines For Being A Friend And Enhancing Other Relationships

These guidelines have been around for centuries in one form or another. They are based on common sense, sound psychology, and biblical teachings.

Guideline 1: Remember That Jesus Christ Will Always Be Your Best Friend!

Everyone else will ultimately let you down. Only Christ can meet your deepest needs. He will never abandon you if you fail. God created you and gave his son's life on the cross so he could forgive you. God wants to help you get the most out of life, even in the worst times. He can guide you in your decisions and help you hang on in bad times.

Guideline 2: View Each Relationship As A Divine Encounter

God will bring people across your path to help you or for you to help —they may be young or old, male or female, wealthy or poor, wise or ignorant, spiritual or non-spiritual.

The Bible notes, "God sets the lonely in families … but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.:—Psalm 68:6.

Who has God brought into your life who you can have as a new "parent, grandparent, grandchild, sibling, friend, or some other person"— to encourage or mentor YOU?

Who has God brought into your life that you can have as a new "parent, grandparent, grandchild, sibling, friend, or someone else FOR YOU TO ENCOURAGE OR MENTOR?

A key to get the most from your relationships: look at your relationships from God's Perspective and ask yourself three questions about each person you encounter:

1. Why has God brought us together?
2. How does God want to use him or her in my life?
3. How does God want to use me in his or her life?

Guideline 3: Determine To Be A Friend To Everyone And A Close Friend To Only A Select Few

In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis describes the vulnerability aspect of real love. I've modified his quote to apply to friendships as well.

To love (or to be a good friend) at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to keep it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.

Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken but become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love (or to be a good friend) is to be vulnerable.

2,000+ years ago, Seneca, the famous Roman philosopher, statesman, and dramatist, declared:

If you wish to be loved, love.

The Bible applies his words to friends:

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.— Proverbs 18:2

Therefore, focus on building a few close friends and a strong support team. Hang around safe, positive, affirming people—rather than negative, insensitive naysayers

Practical Tips On Making And Keeping Friends:

• Smile. Don't be too serious! Studies show impressions are made within the first six Seconds.
• Remember his or her name. As a help, say it aloud several times. Write it down.
• Take the initiative to start or deepen your relationship. Use texts, emails, phone calls, cards, letters, notes, and coffee or meal get-togethers.

The Apostle Paul had several true friends. One was his loyal friend, Onesiphorus. Paul wrote,

… he (Onesiphorus) often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. On the contrary, when he was in Rome, he searched hard for me until he found me. —2 Timothy. 1:16-18

• Pray for your friend. God invites you to:

… pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.—James 5: 16

Call to me, and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know—Jeremiah 33:3

• Compliment your friend's progress in his or her growing edges.

Whether it is in social, physical, mental, or spiritual matters, The Bible urges,

…encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today…— Hebrews 3:13

• Correct your friend when necessary. the Bible instructs,

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.—Proverbs 27:17

• Be loyal to your friend no matter what. The Bible explains,

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.—Proverbs 17:17

• Make your friend feel important by affirming and encouraging him or her when you see improvements, successes, or attempts at undertaking new challenges.

Guideline 4: Cultivate Common Interests

• Work on building a few close friends and a strong "safety net" support team of people. Invest chunks of time in making calls, sending texts and emails, or having coffee together.
• Listen- twice as much as you talk! Maybe this is why God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Remind yourself to concentrate on listening to what is said and what is not rather than what you want to say.
• Encourage him or her to talk about his/her interests and accomplishments— people love to talk about themselves more than any other topic! (Sadly, some egotists can only say, "I did this, I did that—I, I, I, I, etc."

Did you know President F.D. Roosevelt was an exceptionally good listener and question-asker? Before any important meeting, he researched someone's background, interests, and accomplishments so he could ask questions about their interests.

He got others to discuss themselves, especially their home backgrounds, hobbies, and achievements.

• Experiment with common interests and do things together. Invite your friend to join you at sports events, concerts, movies, golfing, walking, jogging, gym exercise, triathlons, marathons, tennis, chess, fishing, hunting, or other fun activities.

Guideline 5: When Appropriate, Reveal Yourself And Your Feelings To Your Friend

Remind yourself that poor communication talks ONLY about "facts"("The Yankees won today 7 to 3"); good communication Talks about facts plus "feelings" ("The Yankees won 7 to 3 today, but I lost my wallet and had a flat tire on the way home from the game. And I'm still mad at myself and afraid someone will find it and use my credit cards")

To deepen your relationship, initiate ways of deepening your connection. Begin by sharing your own "highs" and "lows" of the day or week—the best and worst things that happened and how you felt/thought about them. This will enable you to go beyond mere "surface" sharing.

Guideline 6: Give Sacrificially Of Yourself To Help Your Friend

Centuries ago, the Bible urged,

Do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.—Hebrews 13:16

Sadly, numerous people enter into friendships only to have their own needs met or to advance their businesses in some way.

True, lasting friendships are not based on 50%/50% giving. Like those living in a positive marriage, close bonds between friends sometimes mean 99%/%1 giving. When a friend, wife, child, or another significant person can't contribute anything, one person must shoulder most of the other's responsibilities, sometimes as much as 99%.

Question: Are you willing to give sacrificially of your time and possessions—to take the time to ask questions and then patiently listen? Or to make calls, emails, or texts to your friend? Or to make the first move, have coffee or lunch with or jointly attend a sports or another event?

Conclusion

Catch this little-known fact about 2,000-year-old giant California Sequoia trees. Scores of these wooden goliaths grow up to 300 feet high and 20 feet across. They withstand fierce eighty+ miles an hour winds without being blown over.

Amazingly, as tall as Sequoias are, their roots only go down six to twelve feet! How can shallow roots ever keep a massive tree up? The secret of withstanding ferocious gusts is that every tree's roots are intertwined with those around it. Their roots literally keep each other up in the midst of horrible weather.

If you are willing to apply these "guidelines" for making and keeping friends, a new world awaits you!

If so, perhaps someday, your efforts will earn you a Saddle Award or a similar acknowledgment—as Bill and Barbara Simons did. Here are the words on its certificate:

The 2023 "Saddle Award"

Awarded to

Bill and Barbara Simons

Your words (and deeds) have kept strong men on their feet (and in their saddles. —The Living Bible

"The National Fellowship Group presents this Saddle Award to salute Bill and Barbara Simons for their dedicated efforts of healing, encouraging, helping, guiding, and mentoring men and women to stay in their "saddles" and make their lives count for God!

Due to the Simons' efforts, countless men and women are successfully

• using their skills,
• sharing their faith,
• giving solid leadership in their spheres of influence and
• ministering to the world's needs.

Bill and Barbara Simons' skillful, creative, sacrificial, and generous use of their time, energy, money, words, and deeds has impacted innumerable people. Among their scores of accomplishments have been leading various groups, serving meals to the needy, supporting financially strapped couples, and performing numerous other acts of leadership and service. As a result, countless people are now passing on what they have received from Bill and Barbara to others.

The legend behind this award:

In 1868, former Union General Ulysses S. Grant was elected President of the United States. Unknown to most people, he had a serious drinking problem. Sometimes, it debilitated him so much that it clouded his decision-making, and he often fell asleep at cabinet meetings. His alcohol "situation" became visible to the general public when, in his inebriated condition, he frequently slid out of his saddle and fell off his horse during parades and ceremonies. These public spectacles had become an embarrassment to Grant and his cabinet.

Finally, Grant realized his alcohol issue was worsening. He needed a trusted advisor for encouragement and accountability to help with his drinking abuse and for his presidential and personal decisions.

According to legend, President Grant asked his good friend, attorney John A. Rawlins, to join him in Washington, D.C. Rawlins agreed. He became President Grant's right-hand man, who repeatedly offered wise counsel.

Rawlins did his best to encourage Grant to stay sober. Despite this, Grant was often tipsy due to over-indulging his favorite whiskey. In parades, whenever Grant began to slide out of his saddle, Rawlins grabbed him and propped Grant up in his saddle. In fact, Rawlins rode his horse right next to the President to help Grant not fall off his horse during parades and ceremonies. Thus, time after time John Rawlins helped his friend, President Grant, to "stay in his saddle."

Today, Washington, D. C., has a park named after each man. At the base of Capitol Hill is the large, beautiful Ulysses S. Grant Memorial—a larger-than-life statue of President Grant in a gallant, triumphal pose, riding on his horse. In fact, it is the largest equestrian statue in America and the second largest in the world. Underneath the statue is a bronze plaque that states, in part, "Ulysses S. Grant, Union General and President of the United States.

At the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue is a little park, Rawlins Park. There is a A much smaller statue of John Rawlins in a standing pose with a bronze plaque that should include words something like:

John Rollins, the man who kept President Ulysses S. Grant on his horse!

Truly, Bill and Barbara Simons have embodied the Bible's charge to:

Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way: say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear.'—Isaiah 35:3,4

May God guide and bless you in all your relationships!

Please remember the encouraging challenge from NFL Coach Vince Lombardi:

It's not whether you get knocked down. It's about whether you get up!

Dr. Jim Stout drjimstout@gmail.com www.drjimstout.com