Overcome Your Despair

I discovered that once you have teetered on the edge of suicidal thinking and planning, you become much more vulnerable to following through the next time you are badly depressed. Once you've crossed that invisible line, your fragile condition will stay with you for a long time, even years. To deny the seriousness of your suicidal thinking or planning— is to die. Therefore, taking immediate pre-emptive action to protect yourself from yourself is crucial.

For folks who've already had pneumonia, even a small cold can rapidly morph into full-blown pneumonia and death.

To avoid pneumonia requires immediate actions: stay indoors, rest, sleep more, dress warmly, take your temperature frequently, take medications and vitamin supplements, call your doctor, and other steps.

In my case, I found that when I started being mildly depressed, it could quickly escalate into a terrifying free fall whose downward spiral could result in my ending my life.

During the first decade after my hospitalizations, I experienced countless situational stresses (family, church work, and denominational harassment). Those upsets traumatized, angered, or frightened me and definitely caused some of my depressions.

So whenever a "mild" depression struck, I had to act quickly, just as if I had a cold that could easily end up with pneumonia! I couldn't wait for it to "dissipate or go away." I had to, at once, be proactive— without delay.

Obviously, what has worked for me or others may not work for you. You will need to experiment to find what's most helpful for you. What worked a year ago may not work now, and what didn't work before may now work. The key is to experiment.

I suggest you try whatever "tools" appeal to you and are easy to do. Listed on the next pages are some of the "emergency brakes" I've applied— to stop my rapid descent and keep me alive. I didn't always use them in the same order, and you shouldn't feel you ought to use them in the same sequence, either.

Here are some of the ways I used to slow or stop my suicidal thoughts. I offer these possible life-savers for you to consider as ways of decelerating your run-away-freight-train suicide plans:

• REMOVE ALL FIREARMS, KNIVES, AND MEDICATIONS from your home. Ask a friend to keep them temporarily for you.

• TALK WITH A THERAPIST, PSYCHIATRIST, DOCTOR, PHYSICIAN'S ASSSISTANT, NURSE PRACTITIONER, SOCIAL WORKER, OR CLERGY, FAMILY MEMBER, OR FRIEND about your depression— as soon as possible. Sometimes I did this face to face; other times, by phone, text, email, or letter. During the first decade after my hospitalizations, I experienced countless situational stresses (family, church work, and denominational harassments. Those upsets traumatized, angered, or frightened me and definitely were causes of my depressions. Without a doubt, talk therapy sessions with my psychologists saved my life— dozens of times. Similarly, sharing my bleak thoughts with my psychiatrists and friends kept me alive.

• USE THE MEDICATIONS YOUR DOCTOR PRESCRIBES. To combat my debilitating depressive episodes, my psychiatrists experimented with dozens of medications—52 to date!

• In most cases, they are necessary, but for me, they usually caused intolerable side effects and blunted my thinking and emotions. I believe some pills even precipitated a number of my depressive episodes. Yet, they probably kept me from killing myself.

I discovered that whenever my stresses got nasty, even the best-working medication couldn't lessen or halt my free fall into hopelessness.

Don't be afraid to tell your doctor if your meds are not working or if you are suffering troublesome side effects. Unfortunately, I usually endured intolerable side effects and a blurring of my thinking and emotions for far too long. I believe some pills even precipitated a number of my depressive episodes. Yet, many probably kept me from killing myself.

• WRITE ABOUT YOUR TROUBLING THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. I spent hours at 24/7 restaurants, often all-nighters, jotting down what was bothering me. I listed:

  • Details about what happened,
  • My negative thoughts and emotional reactions to disappointment, defeat, distress, or disruption, and
  • What I could do to prevent future bad responses to my hurts?

• CALL the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Helpline: 988

• GO TO ANY HOSPITAL OR EMERGENCY ROOM. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings.

• DISTRACT YOURSELF FROM OBSESSIVE THINKING any way you can:

  • Take a long walk
  • Watch TV, videos, concerts, or sports events
  • Listen to soothing music (I found certain classical music like Mozart's Requiem, Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, and, strangely, Christmas music enormously soothing. I also found popular songs like Barbara Streisand's, Not While I'm Around to be extremely calming.
  • Work on a hobby like painting, fishing, writing, golf, or puzzles
  • Read jokes and tell them to others
  • Sleep
  • Take some kind of sleeping pill. I found prescription sleep medications had too many adverse side effects, so my psychiatrist prescribed an OTC like Tylenol PM because of its minimal side effects

• AVOID ANY PERSON, PLACE, OR GROUP THAT COULD POSSIBLY WORSEN OR CAUSE YOU TO ATTEMPT KILLING YOURSELF. These toxins are especially dangerous when you are in a fragile condition. Even someone's slightest comment or action could trigger you to a fatal, spur-of-the-moment move. So don't chance a confrontation of any kind until you are in a stronger frame of mind.

• PRAY WHENEVER, HOWEVER YOU CAN FOR GOD'S HELP—The Serenity Prayer (attributed to Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr) is used in most 12-step groups. I prayed and applied it to my specific circumstances:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference; living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next. Amen. (Emphasis mine)

• DE-FANG, ANY RESENTMENTS YOU MAY BE HOLDING. The book Alcoholics Anonymous ("Big Book") teaches that the number one thing that causes an alcoholic to drink is resentment (anger at yourself or others). Resentment is certainly one of the biggest triggers for depression and suicide.

• LET GO OF YOUR FEARS— which are considered the number two cause of alcoholics' drinking (and people getting depressed). Once I found what I was resentful or afraid of (situations, health, and relationships), I could take action to deal with my resentment or fear.

• READ WHATEVER HELPS TO DISTRACT YOU FROM YOUR DESTRUCTIVE THINKING. In the late eighties, there were only a few books on how to recover from depression and almost none for bipolar disorder.

Nevertheless, I read voraciously whatever I could find on recovery from depression and bipolar disorder. I also read inspirational literature to stay afloat: the Bible, personal uplifting stories, and other self-help sources. It's different now. Helpful information is available from scores of places.

Try searching the web and books for articles on suicide, depression, resentment, fear, addictions, and other topics. Reading books on suicide and depression literally helped me live to fight another day: Books such as Lewis Smedes' Keeping Hope Alive, Ellis and Newman's Choosing To Live: How To Defeat Suicide Through Cognitive Therapy, Susan Blauner's How I Stayed Alive when my Brain was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention, John Piper's When the Darkness Will Not Lift, Kay Redfield Jamison's Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide, and Rita Robinson's Survivors of Suicide.

• KEEP PHOTOS OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS NEARBY— IN YOUR WALLET, HOME, AND OFFICE. Having ever-present pictures of loved ones can often boost a downward fall. One of the men in Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison's book on suicide, Night Falls Fast, shared his secret for staying alive in the midst of his suicidal times:

"Look to the living, love them, and hang on."

• ACCOMPLISH ONE TASK, HOWEVER SMALL, EVERY DAY. In the midst of depression's motivation robber, this will give you a sense of measurable accomplishment that can fortify you to help yourself and, in time, tackle larger tasks.

• CREATE AND USE A "HOPE BOX." A number of years ago, a friend mentioned this "tool." I took an old shoe box and put items in it that could remind me of better times, nurture my frayed injuries, and give an injection of hope to keep me alive.

My Hope Box included: family photos, CDs by Barbara Streisand, Mozart, and others; a note from my wife that lists 10 reasons why I love you; photos of my 8-day Ride2Recovery recumbent bike ride; AA and Navy SEAL slogans; photos of my therapy dog, Thunder; various poems and articles; special birthday and anniversary cards; favorite Bible verses; a list of my positive strengths, and my "Crisis Plan."

• DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE: send an encouraging text, email, or letter, run an errand, make a phone call, send a gift, or do a chore.

• ATTEND AN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING OR ANOTHER SUPPORT GROUP—Although I'm not an alcoholic, I've read the AA "Big Book" several times and attend AA meetings from time to time. The atmosphere is non-judgmental, and I pick up workable recovery tips from others' shares.

• I've found applying AA's Twelve Steps vital in recovering from a mental disorder such as depression, as well as for addictions such as alcohol, drugs, or overeating.

• USE ANY RESOURCE YOU CAN TO HELP YOU OVERCOME YOUR PREOCCUPATION WITH SUICIDAL THINKING

The Bible underscores the value of using positive thinking.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. —Philippians 4:8.

Try your best to use positive, affirmative self-talk like, "In spite of how I feel, I will make it through this tough time … Others need me … God will show me the way out of my hopelessness."

Alcoholics Anonymous teaches, "Fake it 'til you make it." Pretend, imagine, and picture yourself with your despondency behind you as you enjoy life again. This will be a mental battle, but it's doable. It will make a giant difference as you force yourself to practice using upbeat thinking and acting.

Yet, positive thinking alone will not be enough. You will need other people and other tools to keep you afloat during your life-threatening storm.

Recovery resources are basic to your well-being both following and during a major loss. Sometimes, you'll come across helpful tips and tactics in the midst of your trauma that will help you to keep going. But, after your depression begins to lift, you'll usually need other life-enhancing helps to go forward with your healing.

Your resources might be:

• Conversations with positive people who affirm you and are pleasant to be around,
• Reading inspirational literature such as the Bible, self-help information, biographies, or novels,
• Visiting websites of interest
• Reading or telling jokes
• Listening to music,
• Watching movies or videos,
• Attending concerts or sports events
• Taking long walks,
• Meditating and praying,
• Painting, or Writing
• Read a modern translation of the Bible and focus on its promises such as:

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten …"—Joel:2:25

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."—Jeremiah 29:11

"… Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze…. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you … Do not be afraid, for I am with you …" —Isaiah 43:1-5; 18-21

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland … because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people …"—Isaiah 43:1-5;18-21

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." —Isaiah 41:10

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."—Isaiah 42:16

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."—Joshua 1:9

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more."—Psalm 71:20,21

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." —Psalm 32:8

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.—Proverbs 3:5,6

These or other aids can foster a healthy rebounding from your tortured obsession with ending your life.

If you want more how-to information on practical tactics for recovering from treatment-resistant depression or other mental illness-related topics, please visit my website, drjimstout.com.

My earlier book, Bipolar Disorder: Rebuilding Your Life, and my upcoming book on Beating Depression are packed with practical tips and strategies. (A portion of the profits from my books supports my wounded veterans, mental illness, clergy, and career guidance ministries).