Dealing With Aging's Painful Loss Of Friends

Losing friends as we age can feel like going bankrupt gradually, then suddenly. Here's how to grieve well, let go of what's gone, and find the courage to connect again. Categories: Aging, Boundaries & Relationships, Encouragement, Spirituality

Introduction

Every loss of a family member or dear friend is painful. Yet every person experiencing such losses can learn to cope with them and go on with a renewed outlook to experience a satisfying life.

Part One: The Problem

A passage in Ernest Hemingway's novel, The Sun Also Rises, describes a character named Mike who is asked how he went bankrupt.

Mike answers: "Two ways: Gradually, then suddenly."

We, seniors, may not go financially bankrupt "gradually, then abruptly," as Hemmingway's businessman did. But in an instant, we can be smashed inwardly into pieces—and suffer devastating losses of other kinds.

Besides "normal" losses of health, mobility, residence, memory, or careers, we elders also experience the shock and ache from losing:

• parents,
• spouses,
• siblings,
• friends, and
• other significant people in our lives.

Part Two: The Painful Effects of Losing Friends

As we age, we encounter life issues that happen "slowly, then suddenly."— Bit by bit, over months or years, we can gradually, almost unrecognizably, lose connection with key people in our lives. Then quickly, unexpectantly, the once-dependable "wheels come off our wagon"—and a crucial relationship is gone— forever.

Out of the blue, close friends or family members die, move, or withdraw (sometimes without any explanation). As we advance in years, we face changes of all sorts: health, electronic innovations, debts, loneliness, and others. These and others require making adjustments. But for countless people, the new absence of loved ones and friends is the most painful of all their losses.

For many, our once-good experiences have gradually deteriorated or are now simply absent. Our losses have silently piled up, almost unnoticeably, until they came to an unexpected, screeching halt.

Job, a righteous, God-believing man, suffered extreme losses of his health, family, and finances. In the midst of his horrific agony, he mourned especially— the absence of his family and friends. He bitterly complained to Bildad, a not-helpful "friend," that although he (Job) was calling for help, no one bothered to respond.

God alienated my family from me; everyone who knows me avoids me. My relatives and friends have all left; houseguests forget I ever existed. The servant girls treat me like a deadbeat off the street and look at me like they've never seen me before. I call my attendant, and he ignores me even though I plead with him. My wife can't stand to be around me anymore. I'm repulsive to my family. Even street urchins despise me; when I come out, they taunt and jeer. Everyone I've ever been close to abhors me; my dearest loved ones reject me. My relatives have left; my closest friends have forgotten me. —Job 19:13-17, 19—(The Living Bible)

Our losses (and his losses) often occur "gradually, then suddenly."

Sometimes, due to declining health or finances, we must move from our homes to a new residence— and we often lose close connections with certain family members and friends.

From time to time, our treasured loved ones gradually die of a lingering physical or mental condition like cognitive decline, dementia, or Alzheimer's. Some move away.

Every now and then, a friend or relative simply drops off the radar screen. Despite our attempts to re-bond, our Christmas cards, emails, texts, or phone calls are never answered, and we never hear from him or her again. This silent loss is not only excruciating but also terribly guilt-inducing. We ask ourselves, "What have I said or done to cause this non-responsive withdrawal?"

Part Three: The Alternative Solutions Are Usually Ineffective for Getting Back Key People in Our Lives

Unfortunately, indulging in these natural responses keeps us stuck like a car in the mud, spinning our wheels and going nowhere. We can:

• Remain Stuck in Shock, musing, "I can't believe my friend hasn't answered phone calls, emails, or texts."
• Continue Believing or Denying that Things Have Gotten so Bad that we can cling to unrealistic hopes— Fooling ourselves with the false hope that perhaps she or he is going through some kind of intense trauma or is too busy to respond.
• Carry on Ruthless Self-examination and Self-blame. What could I have said or done to hurt or offend my friend? I "shoulda, woulda, oughta" have done things differently or better.
• Persist to boil in our Resentment— Replaying our angry thoughts of being hurt by our friend or relative: "This is rude and insensitive of him/her. No friendship deserves this kind of treatment. After all I've done for her/him, how could she/he treat me this way?
• Detach from All Relationships, Fearful of Being Burned Again. We can choose to avoid any more close involvements with others.—"I miss the times we enjoyed together but refuse to risk another relationship wound.

For example, author C. S. Lewis wrote a paragraph in his book The Four Loves on the risks of loving someone. I have adapted it to apply to friendships by re-titling it To Be a Good Friend is to Risk:

To love (or to be a good friend) at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to keep it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But it will change in that safe, dark, motionless, and airless casket. It will not be broken but become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

• Indulge in a Never-ending "Feeling Sorry for Myself Pity Party."— It's my fault—somehow, some way, I've upset or rubbed my friend the wrong way—my words (or actions) have ruined this friendship. I've tried and tried but failed at restoring our friendship. I'm stunned to admit I can do nothing to reconcile, rebuild, or retain this silently extinguished relationship.
• Keep Unsuccessfully Reaching Out to Repair Our Relationship—If necessary, grovel by continually apologizing for our possible hurtful deeds or words.

Suggested Guidelines on How to Cope with the Painful Reality of Your Lost Connection—Key steps to take in recovering and moving on from the losses of friends

GUIDELINE 1: Allow Yourself to Grieve as You Undergo the Deep Sadness of Not Having Your Wished-for Relationship Come True.

Realize that letting go of coveted yearnings that aren't coming true begins with a mourning process. Hopelessness is a necessary step in mourning and letting go of any sort of valued friendship or dream. This deep sadness can be agonizingly painful, but it won't last forever.

Expressing Grief

Centuries ago, Jesus Christ was described as "a man of sorrows, acquainted with the deepest grief.—Isaiah 53:3

A panel of grief therapists offers a few insights on expressing grief:

• Don't suppress the pain you feel. It will only resurface later. Experience, feel, and resist the temptation to "stuff it."
• Grieving is not a sign of weakness; it's a sign of integrity. Sorrowing means you are being honest about the feelings in your heart.
• Talk about your loss instead of trying to protect your friends and family by your silence.
• It's okay to tell family and friends what you want them to do to help you grieve.
• Seek out people who genuinely empathize with what you are experiencing. Perhaps join a grief support group or see a grief counselor.
• No matter how you feel, talk with God. Even if you are angry, tell God. He's big enough to handle your pain, anger, and questions.

Have you given yourself permission to feel deep sadness for the demise of your once-solid relationship? What person can you safely disclose your reactions to your loss—without being judged or sermonized?

My Personal Grief Journey

Now that I am 82, both of my parents, younger brother, uncle and aunt, many classmates, sports teammates, and other friends have died. Plus, I am now grieving for the recent loss of my best friend, Bob Long, in October 2023.

In addition to these permanent losses, I am lamenting the departure of other friends who are undergoing severe health trials or have moved. A few are simply unresponsive to my reaching out to them. Regrettably, any hope of restoring the relationship I once had is gone—for some unknown reason, some have abandoned me.

Strangely, even in the midst of a happy, satisfying life, I am not only sorrowing the recent loss of my closest friend but also the deaths of several family members and friends.

I realize everyone must find their way through the valley of sorrows and grieve their own way—on their own timetable. There is no right or wrong way of grieving— or facing our own death.

The first stanza of the famous Negro spiritual puts it in down-to-earth words:

You gotta walk that lonesome valley You gotta go there by yourself There's no one here who can go there for you You gotta go there by yourself.

If you are a Christ follower, there's good news for you! We are not dangling alone in an impersonal universe. Yes, we must endure stinging loss alone, but we also have Jesus' Spirit, his followers, and his Bible to comfort and guide us.

I feel like a blind man groping along, reaching for familiar or new objects to guide him. I'm experimenting my way through the dark night of aloneness in the absence of my best friend, Bob Long, and other deceased loved ones.

With the passing of my dearest friend, I am wandering through a foggy maze of unfamiliar emotions and thoughts. As I move on, I'm writing about my thoughts and feelings. I'm also reviewing my computer photos to relive my former times with Bob.

When memories and sadness surface at unexpected times, I let my tears flow rather than distract myself. By sharing my pain with my support system of my wife, my safe friends, my men's sharing group, and my therapist, I am finding an acceptance and peace that is replacing my shakeups.

GUIDELINE 2: Write a Paragraph or Page Describing What's Happened and how it has affected you.

Writing often helps you detach emotionally and explain what's happened better.

Putting our heartaches into words can have great psychological and spiritual value. For instance, many of the Psalms in the Bible express the psalmist's despondency.

GUIDELINE 3: Talk to Someone About Your Thoughts and Feelings As Soon As Possible.

Seek out a friend, pastor, therapist, or someone willing to listen without interrupting you, is supportive, and can be objective. Then, read this info out loud to that person. Discuss your wished-for relationship with this safe, wise friend or healthcare professional. Be open to hearing their feedback. Ask them if your dream of friendship is realistic and for their suggestions on handling your ruptured or ruined friendship.

GUIDELINE 4: Distract Yourself Any Way You Can from Your Self-pity, Resentment, or Fear.

Take a walk, watch TV, listen to music, pet your pet, go shopping, get a manicure, attend a sports or music event, encourage or help someone who cannot repay you, or take some other action that can disrupt the tortuous instant replays of your ruined relationship.

GUIDELINE 5: Accept the Things You Cannot Change.

Obviously, you don't like your loss. You only need to admit its reality: "It is what it is." To "accept" your situation, try Implementing a quick version of the first three steps of Alcoholics Anonymous:

1. Admit you are powerless over your broken or lost friendship— that your relationship has become either unmanageable or impossible to resume.
2. Trust that a Power greater than yourself can restore you to balanced thinking and reacting.
3. Make a decision to turn your damaged or forever-extinguished friendship and life over to God's care as you understand Him. The psalmist did this and wrote about it:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my mighty rock … my fortress … my refuge … Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. —Psalm 62:5-8

Try applying the first three Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to your circumstance. Focus, especially on the third Step. Surrender your defeated relationship to God's management and protection. Reflect on this phrase: "I can't…but God can…so I'll let him."

Here's a workable suggestion: type Reinhold Niebuhr's Full Serenity Prayer on a card. Carry it in your wallet or purse, and when you are overwhelmed, read it out loud:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever and ever in the next. Amen.

GUIDELINE 6: Develop a Recovery Plan with a Close Friend, Therapist, Pastor, or Doctor.

Your "Plan" can include specific ways to deal with your grieving emotions, thoughts, and anxieties about your friendship losses.

So that I could move on, I had to admit to myself the permanence of my death losses. Then, I had to adjust my wishes in order to develop new relationships.

In the case of damaged friendship bonds, coming to terms with the probable irreversible loss is essential. It helps to start by evaluating your deficit with the cold, hard facts of the situation. Look at "what actually is"—apart from your aspirations to remake old shattered ties.

The harsh reality is that some people will never change. For example, if you have an amputated leg— as much as you hope, pray, manipulate, or plead, it will never grow back. Likewise, some jobs will not return, and some friends will not ever again respond.

Again and again, you may have tried everything you knew to restore your damaged expectancy, yet with no positive results. Albert Einstein was aware of fruitless attempts to fix broken situations. He is often quoted as defining "Insanity" as:

Doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting a different result each time.

Are you repeating, over and over, your attempts to resuscitate a one-sided friendship?

In her book Jesus Calling, author Sarah Young suggests a prayer to help accept the pain of a vanished expectation,

Please give me the courage to let go of my urge to change people and situations to fit my expectations. Help me to see that it is not the world that needs changing; it is I. (Emphasis mine)

In my case, I released what was and what came to grips with what is now. I believe this altitude switch has strengthened me to pursue what will be—namely, pursuing new friendships.

GUIDELINE 6: Watch Out for Stress Warning Signs and Take Immediate Action to Avoid More Emotional Damage.

The number one cause of alcoholics to drink is resentment. The same goes for anger and bitterness—which can rapidly devolve into a deep depression and other damaging side effects. It's important to recognize your fragile emotional status and discuss practical steps you can take with a close friend, therapist, pastor, or doctor.

GUIDELINE 7: Make New Friends.

Check out these Bible translations about "friends":

A man who has friends must be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.— Proverbs 18:24

"Friends come, and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family." —Proverbs 18:24

Try to apply part of the famous Girl Scout Song:

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.

For non-Girl Scouters, experiment with fresh ways to make new friends while also trying to strengthen old relationships.

GUIDELINE 8: Keep Asking God for Help and Guidance—To Find New Friends or Strengthen Old Friendships.

Catch these varied promises from the Bible of God's special love and guidance for planning your new hopes.:

Cast all your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you … Many are the plans in a man's heart, but the Lord's purpose prevails … The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame … He who has compassion will guide them and lead them beside springs of water … He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way … I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them … Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland … Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." … Call Me, and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know … Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Friendship's Benefits

"Modern research echoes what the Bible has said for centuries: people with intimate connections in which they are vulnerable and honest generally live better, function at higher levels, and heal faster than those isolated or distant from others. We all need the fuel of love and relationship to continue growing and healing."—Dr. John Townsend

Friendship is one of the sweetest joys of life. Many might have failed beneath the bitterness of their trial had they not found a friend.—Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. —John 15:13 (NIV)

Two are better than onebecause they have a good return for their labor: If either falls down,one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. — Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.—Proverbs 27:17

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.—Hebrews 10:24,25

I pray that you who read this "essay" will continue to deepen your friendship with God and others whom God will bring into your life.