But How Can I Forgive Myself?
(From a message by Dr. Jim Stout)
Forgiving others is a process...but so is forgiving ourselves. This has certainly been true for me.
Here are some biblical guidelines that can help with your erosion of self-love:
The Bible and Forgiveness
Romans 7:14-25, 8:1,2—14
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! … Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
Psalm 51—For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you.
Isaiah 1:18—
Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson,they shall be like wool.
Isaiah 43:25—
I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.
1 John 1:8,9—
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
James 5:16—
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
Joel 2:25 KJV—
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.
2 Corinthians 2:5-7—
Forgiveness for the Offender
If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.
The Life-Changing Power of Forgiving Yourself
Karl Menninger, the famed psychiatrist, once said that if he could convince the patients in psychiatric hospitals that their sins were forgiven, 76 percent of them could walk out the next day!
Hummm …What a difference forgiveness can make!
Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more."
Jesus told Zacchaeus, the little tax collector guy in a tree, "Salvation has come to your house today."
Jesus said to the paralytic lying outside the gate, "Your sins are forgiven. Rise and walk."
Jesus said on the cross, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."
Hummm …What a difference forgiveness can make!
Failure Is Not Final
(Quotes that Can Encourage You After You've Fallen)
- "Success is not final; failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." —Winston Churchill.
- You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there."—E.L. Cole
- "The Christian life is a series of new beginnings." —Dr. Elton Trueblood, Quaker theologian
- "It's not whether you get knocked down. It's about whether you get up." —NFL Coach, Vince Lombardi
Quotes on Failure By Michael Jordan, NBA Hall of Fame Basketball player
- "The key to success is a failure."
- "I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
- "Failure makes me work even harder."
- "I've never been afraid to fail."
- "Failure always made me try harder next time."
Questions to Ponder:
- What two things bother you the most about when you fail at something?
- How have previous "failures" affected you, both Bad and good?
- What concrete lessons have you learned about your "failures?
- Whenever you slip, relapse, or fail in some way,
- What lessons can you learn from your failure, so you can "Fall Forward" next time?
- What specific actions can you take to pull out of your nose dive and start over?
"But How Can I Forgive Myself?"
—From a message delivered by Dr. Jim Stout
If only I'd spent more time with my kids… If only I'd not pushed so hard for the divorce… If only I'd written him more letters before he died… If only I hadn't compromised my morals… If only I hadn't lost my temper so badly… If only I hadn't smoked that first marijuana joint… If only I could forgive myself for that car accident… for my kid being on drugs… If only I could forgive myself for_____
Are you bothered by an "if only?" Are you filled with guilt over something in your past? Can you identify with David, who penned these words from the 51st Psalm, "My sin is ever before me"?
The writer of the 130th Psalm could!
Listen to his cry:
"Out of the depths have I called to Thee, oh Lord; Lord Hear my cry. Let thy ears be attentive to my plea for mercy."
Maybe it was a significant failure in his past.
Maybe it was some horrible sin he'd committed.
Perhaps it was just the build-up of repeated wrongs.
Can you imagine the thoughts that might have ravaged his mind?
How can I ever pick up the pieces again? I can't sleep at night because of the echoes from my past. During the day, I try to keep busy, but the memories won't fade. The regret of it all sometimes sweeps in and almost overwhelms me. I vacillate between aching remorse and utter self-hate. Tears bring no release. Can I ever erase these memories? Could I ever start my life over again, fresh?
I suppose the psalmist grasped at almost anything that would salve his crippled conscience. Maybe, at first, he blamed others for his problem. Perhaps he tried to rationalize that what he'd done wasn't so bad after all.
Perhaps he used his guilty feelings as an excuse to plunge into further sin and rebellion. You who've ever dieted know how this works. You slip by eating an extra roll. Then you say, "Well, I've gone this far…might as well let out all the stops … now pass me the whole apple pie.
Probably, there were many times when he almost gave up. When he wanted to kick his life into neutral gear and drift into oblivion. Or maybe there were moments when his depression reached rock bottom…when he could see no hope for a new start…and he was tempted to take his life. We can only guess.
Maybe you're having great difficulty closing the door on your past. You can't seem to accept God's forgiveness, and you're having a hard time forgiving yourself. If that's the case, then I believe the words of the 130th Psalm will be especially meaningful to you.
How did the psalmist find release from the guilt that tortured him? He took four steps to find freedom from the burden of his guilt.
I. He Came to God About His Feelings of Guilt
First, he came to God with his problem, saying, "Out of the depths have I called Thee, O Lord: Lord, hear my cry."
I have a friend in Miami who had a deep guilt problem. He went from one psychiatrist to another, trying to find relief from his mental anguish. No luck. Finally, he turned to God. Got things "off his chest." Aired his feelings. Square with Him. Today, he's a different person. I don't care how "bad" you feel or how often you've failed. Come to God. Tell Him you're "hurting." He can handle your doubts, feelings of failure, and loss of hope.
II. He Admitted That Basically, He'd Disobeyed God
The second step the psalmist took was to assume personal responsibility for the cause of his feelings of guilt. Catch what he says. "Let thy ears be attentive to my plea for mercy. If Thou, Lord, shouldest keep account of sins, who, Lord, could hold up his head?" He was willing to admit, "Lord, underneath it all, I've been wrong. My attitude toward difficult circumstances and others…and my actions were wrong. I'm to blame." He doesn't look for excuses. He takes the ultimate blame for his actions.
Dr. Hobart Mowrer, a noted research psychologist and former president of the American Psychological Association, has made some startling discoveries in psychiatry. Mowrer believes that the majority of patients in mental hospitals are there not because they're organically ill but because of their failure to cope with their guilt.
Psychoanalysis, as helpful as it is in understanding oneself, does not eliminate guilt…it shifts it. Often, classic psychiatry seeks to delve into one's past to pin the blame on parents, grandparents, school, church, or adverse circumstances…instead of the individual himself. Mowrer says:
"a patient's problems are moral, not medical. He suffers from real guilt, not guilt feelings (false guilt). He is not a victim of his conscience but a violator of it. He must stop blaming others and accept responsibility for his poor behavior. Problems will be solved, not by the ventilation of feelings but by confession of sin."
Mowrer has backed his theories up with solid proof. In two Illinois state mental hospitals, he put his ideas into action. He dealt with patients who'd been hospitalized for years and had undergone extensive psychoanalysis. These people were classified as "sick" with some form of psychosis or another. Many were considered "incurable". In a matter of weeks, Mowrer found that the patients' problems were basically due to their own making…their bad attitudes or actions. Their guilts surfaced in many ways…manifesting numerous "deep psychological problems." Some had been involved in immoral activities or ethical compromises.
But once patients were confronted with this and were willing to assume personal responsibility for their hang-ups, there was dramatic healing and restoration unparalleled in either institution!
Dr. Karl Menninger founded the "Menninger Clinic" in Topeka, Kansas. Author of the bestseller, "Whatever Became of Sin." The point of his book? Simply put, we've got to realize we can't shift the blame for our guilt onto others for our wrong actions. We have a free will. We must come to grips with our culpability. We must be willing to say, "I was wrong. Underneath it all, I'm responsible. I've rebelled against God's will for my life. I'm to blame."
To be freed from guilty feelings, you must face up to your part in causing your problem.
III. He Repented
The third step the psalmist took was to repent. He said, "If Thou, oh Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with Thee that Thou mayest be feared."
The writer of Proverbs says, "He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses them and forsakes them will obtain mercy."
A Christian friend of mine was an active alcoholic who struggled with her drinking problem for years.
Recently, she's been working her way to being an ex-alcoholic. Through counseling, she faced the fact that her habit was not simply a direct result of the influences of her alcoholic father. She came to grips that her excessive indulgence was also caused by her own decisions to drown her frustrations with alcohol.
What did she do? She repented. She made a U-turn. An about-face. She was willing to restructure her life. She dropped some friends who were negative influences on her. She stopped visiting the lounges she'd formerly frequented. She began to spend time with several other Christian women who could help her when she was vulnerable. Today, she's found freedom. She's a different person. But it started with her being willing to make a U-turn as God helped her.
If you want to find freedom from your guilt, you've got to repent and make a clean break with your past actions and attitudes that have been wrong.
You say, "I've tried those things. I've come to God dozens of times. I told him how sorry I was. I've admitted I was wrong. I've tried to change. But I still feel guilty. I can't stop hating myself. What can I do? If you're a Christian and can't seem to forgive yourself, there are some valid reasons for your feelings.
If you've confessed and repented your sin and still are unable to experience God's peace, then maybe you're listening to some lies of Satan. The Book of Revelation calls Satan "the accuser of the brethren." He will put thoughts in your mind like: "You don't think God could forgive you after those things. You can't make a new start. You've been too bad for God to forgive you."
Maybe you can't pardon yourself because you're living by your feelings of self-hate instead of God's word. Desire to punish yourself for having failed. Self-condemnation.
You say, "How can I learn to accept myself again?" Do what the psalmist did.
- Step One – Tell God how you feel. Tell Him you want to accept his forgiveness and forgive yourself.
- Step Two – Admit your actions and attitudes have been the cause of your guilty feelings.
- Step Three – Be willing to make the necessary changes in your life that His Spirit points out.
- Step Four – Trust what God says instead of your guilty feelings.
- Step Five – Meet weekly with a supportive friend or group to share your struggles and learn new coping skills.
IV. He Trusted God's Word of Forgiveness Rather Than His Feelings of Guilt
The psalmist wrote, "I wait for the Lord. My soul waits, and in His Word I hope."
The Bible is called the Word of God because it is His written Word to you and me. The Old and New Testaments have hundreds of promises of God's never-ending mercy and love. Here are some of the Old Testament promises that the psalmist may have leaned on as he penned the 130th Psalm:
As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us.— (Psalm. 103:12)
Come now, let us reason together, saith the Lord. Though your sins be as scarlet they shall be white as snow. Though they be red like crimson they shall be as wool.— (Isaiah 1:18)
I will forgive their iniquity and remember their sin no more.— (Jeremiah 31:34)
I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.—(Isaiah 43.25)
The New Testament is also loaded with God's promises of forgiveness:
If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.— (1 John 1:9)
All these promises of God's love and forgiveness were fleshed out when God became a man in the person of Jesus Christ. Christ died on the cross to pay the penalty for your sins and mine. The Cross was God's way of saying, "I'm willing to go this far to prove my love for you…to restore you to Myself…there's nothing more you can do to earn my love, my forgiveness." Jesus cried from the Cross, "It is finished." There's nothing more you can do to atone for your sins. Christ shed His precious blood so that God could forgive you. That's why John the Baptist said of Him, "Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world."
When I was a student at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, one of my professors had a leather bullwhip hung on the corner wall of his office. Sometimes, students would seek out this professor when discouraged or depressed.
My professor would say, "What's the matter?"
"Well, 'prof,' I didn't study well enough for your exam. I'm sorry I flunked. I feel horrible."
Sometimes, a student would say, "Prof, I've just had a bad fight with my wife. It was my fault. I can't forgive myself. I feel terrible inside."
The wise professor would ask, "Have you confessed it to God?"
"Yes."
"And you've still found no relief for your feelings?"
"That's right…I still can't forgive myself. I believe that God's forgiven me, but I still hate myself."
My professor would respond, "Let's look at what God says about this in the Bible." He'd turn to some verses of forgiveness. Then he'd say, "God says if you've confessed your sins and repented, He promises to forgive you, doesn't He?"
"Yes."
"And yet you still can't forgive yourself?" "Right."
Then I suggest you have one or two choices to make."
"Either you can believe what God says about His forgiveness…or you don't. Simple as that. You can walk out of my office believing God's forgiven you … and start loving yourself, or you can leave here bogged down in self-hate and guilt again.
If you decide not to take God at His Word, why not physically beat yourself? It'll work better than mentally torturing yourself!" He'd take the leather whip from the wall, "Here, use this…flagellate yourself! It'll make you feel even worse!"
The psalmist had to trust God's word, not his feelings, or he would have sunk under his overburdened conscience.
The Harvard psychologist William James devised a sound psychological method: the James–Lange Theory. If you act as if something is true about yourself, you'll soon feel that way and become that way. If you're a coward and want to be brave, act as if you are brave. Soon, you'll begin to feel and be courageous.
The same principle holds in areas of human guilt. If you've confessed and repented of your past yet still find it hard to forgive yourself, act as if you've been forgiven … take God's promises of forgiveness literally and act as if they're true. This is faith in action. It takes practice. It works. When your feelings of guilt start to surface, claim God's promises. Act as if you are forgiven.
It doesn't matter how badly you've messed up your life. Or how many times you've sinned. Or how gross your sin. God's in the business of re-cycling lives. The Bible says that there's only one sin that God will not forgive; "Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit." That's the rejection of Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.
God loves you. He wants to forgive you. He wants to give you a new start.
If you're having difficulty forgiving yourself, you have one of several choices to make. You can continue blaming the circumstances that "caused you to sin." You can try to rationalize that what you've done isn't "that bad" and try to forget by shoving it under the carpet of your mind.
You can also follow the four steps that the psalmist did. You can come to God. Admit your wrongdoing. Be willing to make a U-turn. Take God at his Word, and He really will forgive you.
What do you think? How will you address your guilt issue? Will you continue relying on the old bull whip, or will you focus on cultivating a new sense of freedom? The choice is yours.
Quotes to Ponder
Expect anything. Make it glorify God!—Bob Johnson
Every victory counts!— Davis Phinney, world-class bicyclist & Founder of the Davis Phinney Foundation— for Parkinson's Disease
Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can.—John Wesley
The God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we receive from God.—2 Corinthians 1:3,4
Always remember that YOU matter, are important, are loved, and bring to this world things no one else can.—Charlie Mackesy
It's not whether you get knocked down. It's about whether you get up! —NFL Coach Vince Lombardi
"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." —Christopher Robin
"It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up." —NFL coach Vince Lombardi
On the journey with you, as your fellow sinner and member of Sinners Anonymous, Jim