Being an Effective Parent

Jan 26

Suggestions and Tips from a Grandfather-Father-Son Based on I Thessalonians 2:10-13

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I have chosen to use one pronoun, "he," "his," or "him." to describe both males and females— the word "he," "his," or "him"" is meant to refer to "she" or "her" as well.

MY CREDENTIALS

At age 81, as a grandfather of five grandchildren (18, 15, 13. 10, and 5), a father of two grown sons (49 and 44), and a son (whose father is deceased), I readily admit I'm out of touch with today's youth.

Although I don't have the same kind of youth connections as I did decades ago, I've had twenty years of experience in youth ministry—with elementary children, teenagers, collegiates, and young adults—in suburban, inner city, and campus settings.

I've worked with teenage gangs in New Your City's Harlem and Lower East Side and done suburban, inner city, and college ministry youth in various states. This entailed starting youth groups, running programs, and counseling youth and parents, especially fathers. In addition to youth ministries, I continue to counsel and teach scores of adults: married, re-married, and single.

Sadly, there's much confusion and misinformation concerning the roles of parents. Some distortions come from a mother's or father's adverse childhood experiences with their mother or father. Some misperceptions come from various societal pressures.

Fortunately, the Bible provides helpful broad guidelines and specific advice to help dads and moms with their essential job of influencing their children. It describes the basic principles of being an influential parent. However, due to life's complexities and changing circumstances, parent-child relationships must be applied case-by-case.

Raising and nurturing an elementary schooler, junior higher, high schooler, college student, young adult, and adult child is far more difficult and complex than fifty years ago. Parents and kids alike face complicated challenges on multiple fronts in today's changing and often unsafe culture.

Fathers and mothers need to discuss thorny issues with their kids and experiment with ways of dealing with matters such as:

Cell and computer phone use and time limits,
Dangers of certain websites, apps, chat rooms, and other social media platforms where they can be exposed to online dating, dare challenges like choking and cool-aid, financial fraud, likes and dislikes, sexual predators, pornography, and other risks,
Ways to be aware of their surroundings so as to protect themselves from negative peer pressures, assaults, stalking, kidnapping, shootings, and other dangers,
Tactics to avoid or stop bullying,
Ways to make and keep friends,
Coping methods to use with betrayals by friends, teachers, or others,
Coping with peer pressure at parties, groups, school events, church activities, and other places,
Handling threats of school or mass shootings,
Managing political polarization and political correctness conflicts,
Rebuilding or enhancing self-image,
Using positive self-talk,
Coming to grips with sexual temptations,
Processing sexual identity and gender issues,
Trauma side-effects from sexual molestation,
Reasons and methods for birth control,
Pros and cons of abortions,
Symptoms and dangers of eating disorders,
Money issues: wise use of credit cards, savings, tithing, and giving to help others' needs
Experiencing feelings of anger, anxiety, and depression: warning signs and solutions,
Feelings and dangers of suicidal thinking,
Risks of alcohol and drugs (legal and illegal),
Mental illness symptoms in themselves or their friends—how and when to get help,
Developing a successful work ethic,
Handling failures,
Spiritual questions like: "Does God really exist?" "Why does God allow suffering?" "Can I trust the Bible?" Or Does God heal today?"
Spiritual matters like "Developing a helpful prayer life and Bible knowledge," "How to share your faith," "Using your abilities and experiences to make a difference in the world," "Dealing with God's silence, or handling unanswered prayers,"
And dozens of other real-life difficulties your child may face.

Believe it or not, in some form, these questions and topics confront our kids starting in elementary school!

GENERAL GUIDELINES FOR PARENTS

The Bible offers timeless, universal guidelines for fathers and mothers. But these need to be applied in different ways to each unique situation. In the Scriptures, the Apostle Paul said to a group of Christian adults in Thessalonica,

"Look, I've treated you like a father treats his children, for you know how like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you, encouraged you, and charged you to lead a life worthy of God who calls you into His Kingdom and glory." —1 Thessalonians 2:11, 12

Paul reminded them, "Look, I've treated you like a father treats his children." Then he explains how he had treated them like a father. In doing this, Paul described the biblical job description of a father and mother. There are three major guidelines.

Guideline 1: Use the Fitting Discipline of Punishment, Affirmation, and Guidance

The first principle of being an effective parent is to use appropriate discipline. In 1 Thessalonians 2:11, Paul notes, "I exhorted you." Most of the time, the word "exhort" in the Greek language means "to encourage." However, in this case, "exhort" means "to urge someone to pursue a course of conduct." In other words, when Paul says, "I exhorted you," he stresses, "I motivated you," and "I urged you to do what you should have done." In today's terminology, this means, "I disciplined you."

Many people have the wrong idea of biblical discipline. They think it involves mainly punishment. Not so. When the Bible speaks of discipline, it implies "showing the right way to go, as well as correcting wrong behavior."

Catch these words from Clinical psychologist Dr. Henry Brandt:

"To discipline a child is not to punish him or her for stepping out of line. Instead, disciplining is to perceive how to teach your child how he or she ought to go. Discipline includes everything you do— to help your children learn how they ought to go."—(attitudes and behaviors)

The Bible coaches:

"Train up a child in the way he or she should go, and when he or she is old he or she will not depart from it."— Proverbs 22:6
"Don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful; rather bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord Himself approves with suggestions and Godly advice."—Ephesians 6:4

The Old Testament describes Eli, a dad who did poorly disciplining his children. His parenting style can serve as a caution flag for both dads and moms today. Eli was a judge and priest who had two sons. Regrettably, he was a passive father, afraid to put his foot down and set limits and restrictions for his boys—he let them "get away with" everything!

The Bible describes what happened: "Eli's sons walked not in his ways but turned aside after money and took bribes and perverted judgment." God had to say to Eli, "I will judge your house forever for the iniquity which you knew because your sons made themselves vile and you restrained them not."— 1 Samuel 3:13 (Ital. mine)

49 years ago, George Gallup polled Americans about using discipline. The Miami Herald newspaper headlined what he found:

"Discipline Lack Seen as No. 1 School Problem." The article said, "Lack of discipline is named by the nation's adults and students alike as the top problem facing America's public schools today. Discipline has been named as the No. 1 problem of the schools in five of the last six years as determined by these annual surveys of the public by George Gallup."

That Gallup Poll was half a century ago! Yet discipline has remained one of the top problems in raising young people.

Even youth know there is a problem with mediocre or no discipline. Some years ago, Michigan State University conducted a nationwide survey of teenagers. One of the questions asked, "What is the one thing you would like to see most from your mom and dad?" The overwhelming majority of answers: "More discipline!"

Catch the words of this 14-year-old teenage girl written in a letter to Dr. Charlie Shedd:

"My problem is one you probably don't hear much about. My dad is a doctor, and he is so busy. My mother is a champion golfer, and she's at the club every afternoon when I come home from school. On weekends they party, and sometimes I worry that they drink so much, especially lately.

But what really bothers me is how they let me do almost anything I want to. They never tell me when to come in, and I can go anywhere, anytime.

You might think, 'How lucky she is.' But I tell you, that is not how I feel about it. What bothers me is that I wonder why I'm all that ready to decide everything by myself!"

Obviously, there's a tremendous need today for the proper kind of discipline by parents— both in secular society and in churches. Ask any teacher or coach what the number one problem they face is, day in and day out. They'll tell you, hands down; it's discipline! Getting their students to do what they should do—motivating and disciplining them!

Setting Guidelines, Boundaries, and Rules

The Bible forewarns:

"My people perish for lack of knowledge."—Hosea 4:6

"Knowledge is necessity" is the motto of an attorney friend recovering from his mental illness. His slogan applies to anyone recovering from a mental disorder. His mantra is also wise counsel for parents and children of all ages: 1) to be knowledgeable about today's dangers to youth and 2) to know about and use practical solutions for managing their trials.

We parents must be realistic in assessing our child's behavior and the obstacles facing their well-being. We can't bury our heads in the sand, praying and hoping our kids will make it through the multitudes of potholes they'll face as they grow up.

We must be alert to the people, places, and things that can be dangerous for our children. How can dads, future dads, granddads, or single men exercise the appropriate discipline of encouragement and punishment?

Proper discipline involves setting boundaries and guidelines for our children. The Bible explains:

"Where there is no revelation (vision), people cast off restraint."—Proverbs 29:18

"A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother, but blessed is the one who heeds wisdom's instruction."— Proverbs 29:15

Sadly, we live in a time of moral and spiritual vacuum. There are many parents (and especially fathers) who never encourage their children or give them clear rules to live by. Oftentimes, if parents set any rules, countless moms and dads quickly bend their own rules. Too frequently, weak-ruled kids completely disregard their parents' directions!

Perhaps worse, some dads and moms never let their children know what they expect of them. Popular columnist Ann Landers once lamented,

"Child guidance has taken on a new meaning. Parents are now being guided by their children!"

Many kids are telling their parents how to guide them—or are simply making their own rules! The MacDonald's TV hamburger commercials are geared to this reality—their corporate ads target youth—Get the child, and you've got mom and dad!

What kinds of encouragement and punishment should fathers and mothers set for their children— to produce optimal results? The key to good discipline isn't what rules parents set, as long as dad and mom agree.

It doesn't matter whether our parameters cover: time spent on their computer or cell phone, websites they visit, curfew time, the allowance paid for home chores, parties that can or cannot be attended, the types of friends to associate with, the TV programs to watch or not watch, drug or alcohol use—so long as husbands and wives set some kinds of standards—and that we agree to them!

This approach to discipline is the same for single parents—who must stick to their guns and not worry about upsetting their kids with parental rules. A mom or dad needs to focus NOT always on trying to be their child's friend or alwaypleasing their children, but on doing what's best for them—regardless of how much the child might object.

Positive and Negative Reinforcement

Biblical discipline involves more than setting guidelines, making rules, and doling out punishments. It also involves positive and negative reinforcement concerning those standards— for our children to absorb and follow.

Positive reinforcement means rewarding our children for good behavior. When we adults produce good products in our jobs, you and I are given bonuses or are rewarded with recognition or compliments— and we do better in our jobs because our tasks have produced positive results.

Yet we dads and moms are so concerned that our children do the right thing that we harp on their negatives and failures and barely mention their positives and successes. Our children also need to be praised for the positive things they do. This is why the New Testament says, "Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works."—Hebrews 10:24

Strangely, trends show that parents are doling out too much affirmation. In today's America, few or no kids lose at anything. Every kid wins in competitions, gets a reward, or receives too many "atta boys." So affirmations need to be honest evaluations based on merit, not an unearned or excessive exaggeration.

Of course, besides valid affirmations, discipline involves punishing bad behavior. Here's what the Bible says about physical punishment for children:

"Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it."—Proverbs 22:6
"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away." —Proverbs 22:15
"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." —Proverbs 13:24

The renowned psychologist James Dobson put it this way in his book Discipline With Love:

"Nothing brings a parent and child closer together than for the mother or father to win decisively after being defiantly challenged. This is particularly true if the child was asking for it knowing he asked for what he got.

The parents' demonstration of their authority builds respect like no other process, and the child will often reveal his affection when emotion is passed. For this reason, the parent should not dread or shrink back from these confrontations with the child. These occasions should be anticipated as important events because they provide the opportunity to say something to the child that cannot be said at any other time.

It is unnecessary to beat the child into submission; a little pain goes a long way for a young child. However, spanking should be sufficient to cause the child to cry genuinely. After the emotional ventilation, the child will often want to crumple to the breast of his or her parent, and he or she should be welcomed with warm, open, loving arms.

At that moment, you can have a heart-to-heart talk. You can tell him how much you love him and his importance to you. You can explain why he was punished and how to avoid the difficulty next time. This kind of communication is not made possible by other disciplinary measures, including standing your child in the corner or taking away his fire truck."

Please remember that Guideline #1 in the job description of a parent is to use proper discipline, set guidelines, and then use positive and negative reinforcements to meet your rules and guidelines.

Guideline 2: Encourage Your Children

The second guideline for being an effective parent is to encourage our children. In 1 Thessalonians 2:11, the Apostle Paul notes, "I comforted you." The word "comfort" in Greek means "to encourage."

One of the primary causes of young people who act out inappropriately by misbehaving in school, abusing drugs, having sex, stealing items, or a host of other rebellious behaviors is a poor self-image! They simply don't like themselves.

Where is a positive self-image started and strengthened? In the home.

Parents are the most important part of forming a healthy self-image. Dads and moms are key!

Dads and Moms, how you and I speak to and treat our children will directly affect how they see themselves. They will either develop self-confidence or self-hate. That's why Paul advises, "Fathers (and mothers), don't scold your children so much that they become discouraged and quit trying."—Colossians 3:21 (Emphasis mine)

How do we parents go about better encouraging our children? Two ways:

First, we dads and moms can encourage our children through our words. The Bible has a lot to say about the power of words. Many fathers and mothers jokingly tease their children about their appearance: weight issues, big ears, pimples, and other negatives—never realizing how deeply their words cut into their children!

Instead of belittling our children under the guise of humor, we can encourage them by praising them, complimenting them— and boasting about them publicly. How about it? When did you last tell your son or daughter that you loved them or were pleased with their looks and behavior?

If you are a grandparent, when was the last time you affirmed one of your grandkids?

If you are a single woman or man, when was the last time you uplifted a child, teenager, or young adult with positive praise?

Secondly, we moms and dads can encourage our children by touching them. Something is transforming about the power of touch: Dr. Smiley Blanton, an eminent psychiatrist and a very close friend of Norman Vincent Peale, often talked of a friend who is a judge in New York City. The judge described to Smiley Blanton the many times that fathers and sons come before him for trial. The judge told Dr. Blanton he had yet to have even one father go before him with his child and put his arm around that child, touch him, or show any physical affection! Dr. Blanton responded, "If a father would only put his hand on his boy's shoulder, it would transmit something!" The power of touch can do wonders.

Have you seen a bumper sticker saying, "Have you hugged your kid today?" When was the last time you hugged your child (or someone else's child), put your arm around him, shook his hand, kissed him, or told him you loved him?

Guideline 3: Teach Your Children About Christianity and Trusting God

If you are a Christ-follower, the third guideline of a parent's job description is to teach your children about the Christian faith. In 1 Thessalonians 2: 11, Paul says, "I charge you..." In Greek, the word "charge" means to "teach" or to "train"— by our example and words.

The Bible does not leave the job of teaching our children the Christian way of life solely to the church. The task of teaching our children about Christianity is given primarily to us parents and grandparents! Thousands of years ago, God instructed parents (and grandparents)s:

"These words which I command you this day shall be in your heart, and you shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit down in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up." —Deuteronomy 6:6,7

Countless fathers and mothers took baptismal vows when their children were baptized, promising to "raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Yet often, dads and moms abdicate their vows or use excuses like: "We're too busy—We have crazy social commitments and church obligations."

It's important that, as parents, we're involved in a church and that our kids are active in its youth programs—that's where our kids will get good ethics and life skills. Yet too often, we parents rationalize our lack of adequate spiritual mentoring for our children, saying, "I'll leave the religious teaching of my child to worship services, Sunday School, and youth group. That's why we support the church with our money!"

As an active pastor, I was appalled at the biblical ignorance of the children who came to our Communicants classes. I don't think there were ever more than one out of a hundred children who had come through those classes and knew more than one or two Bible verses by heart. That's a tragedy. And the fault lies only with us dads and moms.

So how will you teach your children what it means to be a follower of Jesus Christ? How will you equip them to face temptations, disappointments, or failures? Our spiritual input is critical because, starting in elementary school, our children face more enticements on the way to school than we parents ever faced!

At best, no matter what we may think, we parents have a dreadfully limited idea of the scores of temptations and problems that young people face today. Many can't go to the bathroom at school without being propositioned with drugs. And I'm talking about every junior and senior high school and many elementary schools in this county, including private and Christian schools.

Our children must be prepared to cope with these and countless other temptations and stresses. How will you equip your children with biblical knowledge to deal with these life realities?

Are you going to raise them in a vacuum, saying, "I'll just let my kids decide how they want to live their lives?" Tragically, Dad and Mom, if you let your children face life without any firm boundaries, they'll default to a host of negative influences.

GUIDELINES FOR PARENTING— SPECIFIC SITUATIONS

Jesus told this story of the crooked manager to illustrate that Christ-followers must be innovative and courageous. Likewise, we dads and moms must teach our kids about creative self-care, self-protection, and adversities— to survive and thrive in today's world:

"The master praised the crooked manager. Why? Because he knew how to take care of himself. Streetwise people are smarter at this than law-abiding citizens. They're constantly alert, looking for angles, surviving by their wits. I want you to be smart in the same way but for what is right, using every adversity to motivate you to creative survival to concentrate your attention to the basic essentials."—Luke16:8ff, The Message (Ital. mine)

Practical Tips on Positive Things to Do with Your Kids

Ask appropriate questions— To surface feelings about successes, failures, and struggles.

We can practice asking questions and actively listening—to our kids who are two years old through adulthood.

Some good ways to start conversations with any age kid is to ask general, non-threatening questions like, "How's your week going?" Then proceed to go deeper by asking, "What are your highs and lows (best things and worst things) that have happened this week, and "How do you feel about them or what do you think about them?" Then, really listen, and do not interrupt or give advice.

Listen—We have two ears and one mouth, maybe because we need to listen twice as much as talk! Active listening takes work and concentration, but it's worth our effort. After hearing their words, sometimes, instead of blurting our advice, it's more helpful to ask, "Would you like some feedback?"

Read them Bible stories—When our children were young, my wife and I encouraged them to memorize Bible verses. Then reward them with a gift like a kite, a book, a turtle, a trip, or something valued by them.

But we Mothers and Fathers can't equip them by imparting Bible knowledge if we, ourselves, don't know our Bible. And we won't learn what the Bible teaches just by coming to a worship service once a week. For the sake of our children as well as ourselves, we parents need to read our Bible daily, be involved weekly in Bible study, and share our ups and downs with other Christians.

Pray with and for them— Starting when they're two or three and into their adult years. We can pray about their toys that break or when their pets get sick. We can pray for their friends, teachers, a computer game they want to buy, their vacation, the new car they'll buy, or different things they or their family need. We can pray with them about school issues, educational choices, job and career decisions, dating, marriage, and other relevant matters.

Buy books and other items— Literature of all kinds can be positive resources for building their faith and self-esteem and be helpful influences on their choices.

Discuss with them the teachings of the Bible as they apply to current events—On politics, news media coverage, dating, how to select the right kind of friend, how and why to say "No" to peers who want to turn them on to drugs and booze.

Attend school events whenever possible—Parents who attend sports events, plays, or other activities that our kids are involved in sends a loud message: "We care about you, support you, believe in you."

When feasible, take kids with us—To work, when shopping, to athletic events, concerts, or other places you enjoy. This strengthens bonding.

Take offspring, young or old, on a weekly or twice-a-month date for half an hour to three hours—To a place they'll like: MacDonalds, Subway, Chuck E. Cheese, miniature golf, a playground, a sports event, or another fun place where conversation and fun are mixed. My wife and I started these when our sons were two years old.

Take kids once a year on a one or two-day fun outing: an overnight or day trip—camping, fishing, hunting, museums, sports events, or other venues they'll enjoy and where we parents can have meaningful conversations with our munchkins. These were awesome times for dad or mom with our lads or lassies.

Write notes periodically to each kid (from Three years to fifty+)—This affirms and encourages them. These brief messages can be hand-written, texts, or emails. The Bible stresses: "Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called "Today."—Hebrews 3:13.

Hand-write or type a letter affirming them, explaining our pride in them, and giving our blessings on them—When our kids transition to thirteen, or to college, or the military, or to trade school, or get married, or have a child, or when they land a new job.

When our marriage or our kids hit hard times, it's important to get professional counseling—Our kid(s), ourselves, our marriages, and our families will reap priceless benefits! Don't let pride, finances, or other obstacles block you and fester wounds. The Bible offers wise, hands-on advice on the value of receiving counseling from a caring, skilled therapist:

"The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice."— Proverbs 12:15

"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed."—Proverbs 15:22

My wife and I have had individual and marriage counseling, as have our sons. We have all benefited from counseling and highly recommend it to those in need.

Yes, there are enormous responsibilities for any mom or dad to undertake! I've found great help by meeting weekly in person or via Zoom with other men facing similar challenges with our children and grandchildren. From my male friends, I get encouragement, sound guidance, and support when I've failed. My wife has similar positive experiences with her friends. Dad and Mom, why not find and try out an existing men's or women's group or start one of your own?

But what do we do if we've blown it with our kids? It's never too late to start making amends, building bridges, and restoring relationships! Despite our shortcomings, we can still powerfully influence our children and their children—even if our teenagers, college-age, or adult kids have drifted away from God or us.

If you've failed in some way with your kids, tell God that you've botched it. Ask Him to forgive you for your mistakes and your sins. He will totally cleanse you, give you a new start, and help you rebuild. He says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."—1 John 1:9

Please remember what King David said to his young son, Solomon, just before David was about to die and young Solomon was to take over the kingship of Israel:

"So be strong, act like a man (or woman), and observe what the LORD your God requires: Walk in obedience to him, and keep his decrees and commands, laws and regulations, as written in the Law of Moses. Do this so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go."—1Kings 2:2-3 (Emphasis mine)

Fellow parents, we've got a big job on our hands! What a privilege to be a mother or father—to influence our children who live with us so briefly or are now launched into their adult lives. What an opportunity, an honor, and a challenge!

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives, Dads and Moms. Our children need our leadership, friendship, and affirmation. Go for it! And as you follow his leading, may God bless you and your children!

Jim Stout