Guidelines for a Fulfilling Marriage: Practical Steps for Repairing and Maintaining Marriage Happiness

From a Wedding Sermon by Rev. Dr. Jim Stout with contributions from Rev. Leah Stout

Today marks a brand new chapter in each of your lives! Like any couple, you will face ups and downs. Every couple faces rough periods, some short, some persistently long. Work pressures, financial tensions, health problems, or other stresses may barge into your life. Jesus Christ was a realist.

In a few moments, you will be making some serious vows. You will be pledging your love and faithfulness to each other for the rest of your lives. These are sacred promises. Serious commitments, never to be broken. You'll be making your marriage vows here in the presence of your family, your relatives, your friends, your pastor, and before God himself.

In a few moments, you will publicly commit yourselves to each other for a lifetime. Then, you will exchange wedding rings. Your rings will always be reminders of the love and faithfulness you have covenanted with each other.

Then, the two of you will kneel in prayer, and a miracle will take place—a miracle far beyond our understanding and comprehension. God will make the two of you one—one in your dreams, one in your goals, one in your plans, one in your very being.

As excited as you are right now, you are realistic enough to know that like any couple, you will face ups and downs. Every couple faces rough periods, some short, some agonizingly long. There will be work pressures, financial tensions, health problems, or other stresses that will barge into your life. Jesus Christ was a realist. He taught:

In this life, you shall have many tribulations, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. —John 16:33

In spite of these difficult periods, how can you keep for a lifetime the love and sense of adventure that you now feel? What can you do so that you will continue to stay close to each other when the going gets or stays tough?

Since God invented the whole concept of marriage, He has already given us guidelines for having a balanced marriage … even during difficult times. The couple who applies these guidelines will experience the adventure, romance, stability, and true joy that God desires for every Christian marriage.

Let's look at God's guidelines for a successful marriage.

Guideline One - Maintain a Close, Ongoing, Obedient Relationship with God

Jesus said:

Abide in me, for apart from me, you can do nothing … Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these other things will be added unto you. - John 15:5; Matthew 6:33

Work at staying close to God through prayer and meditation. Read your Bible regularly. Talk with the Lord in prayer every day. Fellowship with other Christians on a weekly basis. Use your experiences, abilities, and resources to help others. Don't let society or other Christians squeeze you into their idea of how you should live. Concentrate on obeying what you know the Lord wants you to do in your marriage, on your job, in your home, and with your family.

Guideline Two - Remind Yourself, Often, that Your Marriage Is for a Lifetime

God states:

I will remember my covenant between me and you. —Genesis 9:15

Periodically, we need to recall the words of our wedding vows and remind ourselves that our marriage is not an experiment. Our marriage is to continue for the rest of our lives.

However, some couples believe that "marriage" means a relationship that can be ended if things "change." These people don't hold to the long-haul view of marriage, and they change their wedding vows to say: "As long as our love is alive." This certainly isn't a biblical marriage pledge.

The Christian marriage vow states: "As long as we both shall live." What a difference! Many secular marriage commitments end whenever the feeling of being "in love" fades for one or both partners.

But your Christian wedding oath is for a lifetime, whether or not feelings of love are there. This marathon attitude of marriage builds strong marital relationships that weather turbulent storms.

Do you know how a diamond is formed? It's simply a lump of coal that hung in there for a long time. Three conditions are necessary to make a diamond: time, heat and pressure.

Likewise, strong marriages are built over time, often in the midst of much heat and pressure from both within and without. Therefore, please work at developing a "Diamond Outlook" about your marriage. Remind yourselves, often that your marriage is not a one-hundred yard sprint; it's for a lifetime.

Guideline Three - Focus on Meeting Your Partner's Unique Needs

There's a saying that most married couples have found to be true: "love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener!" While you may think you know each other well, we who are married can assure you that you've got many surprises yet to come!

Unfortunately, some husbands and wives enter marriage with the intent of having their own personal needs met, or expecting to change their partners. But a relationship built on having your own needs met, or aimed at improving your partner will soon deteriorate.

Jesus explained:

Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. —John 13:14,15

Rather than pouting that your own needs are not being met, or that your partner isn't "reforming," focus on meeting to your partner's unique needs.

There will probably be times when one of you will need to carry your marriage with 99% of the effort. This will be necessary because your partner may be going through a crisis, and will be unable to give emotionally, physically or spiritually. This 99% rule happens in even the best marriages.

How can you best meet your partner's needs? Obviously, as time goes by, you'll discover his or her weaknesses, fears, and other "growing edges."

To find specific things you can do for your spouse, I encourage you to read one Christian book on marriage every year for the next twenty years. There are many fine books out today by authors who are far wiser than I am. They are loaded with practical tips on strengthening your marriage.

Guideline Four - Constantly Work at Having Good Communication with Each Other

The number one marriage-killer in America is "over-commitment" -- husbands and wives who are too busy to spend adequate time with each other. A couple can become strangers to each other, like two room mates simply sharing a house. Or like two ships passing each other in the night, gradually drifting further and further apart.

Our hectic-paced lifestyle puts incredible stresses on marriages. Sadly, this problem is worsening.

The Bible make it clear that couples are to:

be diligent to preserve the unity of the spirit and the bond of peace. —Ephesians 4:3

In some ways, a marriage is like a garden. Every garden needs to be regularly weeded, watered, and fertilized. If not done frequently, the vegetables wither and soon die. Similarly, every marriage needs deliberate cultivation. This takes thoughtful planning and sacrifices. It means deliberately scheduling times to be together to share feelings, thoughts and plans.

To maintain good communication, I suggest that you develop three marriage-strengthening habits:

First, spend ten minutes a day sharing with each other the "highs" and "lows" of your day—the "best" and the "worst" things that happened to you and how you felt about them. This will help you share on an emotional level, rather than merely swapping on an impersonal, "facts" level.

Second, I recommend that you date each other once a week. Go out alone—without children or friends. Just the two of you. Make it simple. It can be a walk on the beach, a ride in your car, a McDonald's cheeseburger, or some other restaurant's fare.

Third, I challenge you to get away for at least one over-night mini-moon each year. Practicing these three habits will be invaluable helps to strengthen your relationship and keep the communication lines open.

Guideline Five - Don't Let Pride Destroy Your Marriage

The number two marriage-killer in America is pride, an unwillingness to say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me." Be willing to apologize when you've wronged your partner.

When a couple refuses to go for counseling because they've reached an impasse in their relationship, pride can strangle a marriage. Just like a car benefits from periodic checkups, even the best of marriages can benefit from outside intervention from time to time, and especially when tension and hurt feelings aren't being resolved.

The Bible warns:

Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall. —Proverbs 16:18

Please don't be too prideful or self-sufficient to apologize, or to go for professional counseling. You will never regret the time and money you spend on mending your marriage.

Guideline Six - Compliment Your Partner Every Day

The number three marriage-killer is lack of affirmation. Pastors and counselors frequently, hear people say, "I can't tell you the last time my spouse told me that he or she loved me, or said anything complimentary about me." Both women and men need to know they're appreciated, valued.

Several years ago, a couple came to me for counseling. The wife criticized her husband for always taking her for granted and never affirming her. He sternly stared at her and growled, "Listen, Harriet, I told you twenty-two years ago on our wedding day that I loved you. If I ever change my mind, I'll let you know!" Beware of taking your partner for granted.

The Bible teaches:

Better is open rebuke than unexpressed love … Say only what is good and helpful and up-building to those with whom you are talking and what will give them a blessing. —Proverbs 27:5; Ephesians 5:29

I urge you to start the life-long routine of complimenting each other every day. Start this complimenting habit today, and continue it for the rest of your lives.

Guideline Seven - Forgive Your Partner When You've Been Wronged and Move on

Without a doubt, you're going to have your feelings hurt innumerable times in the years ahead by what your partner says or does. That is a given in married life. Forgiving isn't easy. Especially when you've been hurt deeply. But the Bible teaches:

Be gentle and ready to forgive, and never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. —Colossians 3:13

The person who refuses to bury the hatchet, nurses resentments, and keeps bringing up past wrongs soon builds a thick wall that will destroy a marriage. So learn to forgive and move on.

Guideline Eight - Pray WITH and FOR Each Other, Daily

The Bible's loaded with statements encouraging Christians to pray with and for each other. I encourage you to develop a good prayer-life together.

Hold hands and say blessings, out loud, at meals. Pray together for decisions and problems you face. Before you go to bed, take a few moments to thank God for three blessings you've received during the day.

Guideline Nine - Cultivate a Few Close Christian Friendships

Studies show that strong long-term marriages that beat the divorce odds, apply these nine biblical guidelines for a successful marriage … and by having a "safety net," a positive support system of caring friends.

The Bible teaches:

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another. —Hebrews 10:25

Every marriage benefits from the guidance, correction, encouragement and prayers of close friends.

Husband, please take the time and make the effort to develop two male friends with whom you can share your good and bad experiences.

Wife, I recommend that you to cultivate two female friends in whom you can confide.

As a couple, make it a top priority to develop two other couples with whom you can share ups and downs.

Know why California's giant, 300' redwood trees rarely fall down, even in when fifty-plus miles an hour winds rage? Their roots only go underground about twelve feet! But their roots interlock with the root systems of other nearby redwoods! They withstand fierce storms because they support each other!

Close, safe friends are like redwood tree roots – they help you withstand howling, dangerous winds of difficulties. So … Spend time cultivating good friendships. Your prioritized energies will pay off in the years ahead.

Implementing these guidelines is a tall order for any couple! Especially considering the stresses and temptations facing today's married couples!

You, like any couple, will need God's help. He's given these guidelines to produce successful marriages. These workable steps will require you to make deliberate choices, time and again. I pray that you will choose His way, even though it may be painful and costly.

Let's review God's guidelines for a successful marriage:

1. Maintain a close, ongoing, obedient relationship with God.
2. Remind yourself, often, that your marriage is for a lifetime.
3. Focus on meeting your partner's special needs.
4. Always work at having good communication with each other.
5. Don't let pride ruin your marriage.
6. Compliment each other every day.
7. Learn to forgive and move on.
8. Pray with and for each other.
9. Cultivate a few close Christian friendships.

Now, as you embark on your new life together, I pray that God will richly bless you, individually and as a couple, that God will make you a marvelous blessing to each other, and that God will use your marriage to bless countless people!

A Wedding Prayer

Adapted from an original pray by Dr. Louis Evans, pastor of First Presbyterian Church, Hollywood, CA.

O God of Love You have established marriage for the welfare and happiness of mankind. Yours is the plan and only with You can we work it out with joy.

You have said, "It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a helpmeet for him." Now this couple's joy is doubled since the happiness of one is the happiness of the other. Now their burdens are halved since they shall share them and the load will be divided.

Our Father, bless this husband Bless him as provider. Sustain him in all the exactions and pressures in his battle to support his family. May his strength be her protection, May his character and integrity be her boast and pride.

Bless this loving wife, Heavenly Father Give her a tenderness that makes her great. Give her a deep sense of understanding. Give her a great faith in You.

May they never make the mistake of merely living for each other. Teach them, Heavenly Father, that marriage is not living for each other. Show them that it is two uniting and joining hands to serve You.

Give them a great spiritual purpose in life. May they seek first the Kingdom of God and Your righteousness and the other things shall be added unto them.

Loving you best they shall love each other more, and faithful unto You faithful unto each other they will be.

Help them, Our Father, to be flexible in adjusting to each other. May they minimize each other's shortcomings. May they be swift to praise and magnify each other's points of strength and see each other through a lover's kind and patient eyes.

Now, Gracious Lord, make such assignments to this couple on the scroll of Your will as will bless them and develop their character as they work together.

Give them enough tears to keep them tender, enough hurts to keep them humble, enough of failure to keep their hands clenched tightly in Yours, and enough of success to make them sure they walk with God!

May they never take each other's love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, "Out of all this world, you have chosen me!"

And one day, as they come to the end of their lives, I pray that they may be found then as now, still hand in hand, still very proud, still thanking you so much for each other.

May they serve You happily, faithfully together, Until at last one shall lay the other in Your arms.

This we ask through Jesus Christ, Great Lover of our Souls. Amen.